Think Siberia & Hang A Right

Oh, The Weather Outside Is Frightful...

2008-02-14T11:51:00.006+09:00

Sure...we have 3 days of cold as all hell, but otherwise perfectly beautiful weather this past weekend (seriously, I didn't see a cloud for like 3 days), and now it turns to shit.

High today of -8C, 50cm or so o' the white stuff since yesterday with lots more on the way, & 10 m/s winds....yes, boys & girls...this is what living in arctic hell is like! w00T!

(of course, I probably wouldn't be bitching about it so much if I didn't have a cold and was out boarding right now, but that's neither here nor there)

I Have the Bladder of a 12 Year Old Girl...

2008-02-12T11:01:00.000+09:00

I swear man...I guess I am getting older. I've only had 3 cups of coffee so far today, but have been back & forth to water the porcelain like 5 times in the past 3 hours.

Anyhoo, oh yeah...(Insert mandatory "Blah, blah, sorry I haven't updated the ol' blog in like half a year" apology here). How ya been in the meantime?

Just to get up to speed, here's what's gone on since what...last year?

FamilyMart pulled a certain mook and the whole thing finally died down, although I've continued to get hits about it ever since.
Gotta new English teacher at the town Jr. High who's turned out to be my nemesis. Had a bit of a tuff-up in the staffroom and although we've been able to be somewhat courteous to each other ever since, I still dread the 2 days a month that I have to teach with that horrible woman. Thankfully she's on the Superintendent of the BOE's shitlist as well, and hopefully she'll be long gone come April (please, oh Jesus, let this be so).
Even though the BOE pretty much begged me to stay, I made the painful decision to end my contract come August of this year and my successor's already been decided (really a pretty cool guy who I have big expectations about). Yup, after 8 long years, my big adventure here in Happy Land is about to come to an end and I'll soon be heading back to the land o' the not-so-free-anymore w/ M. Really hoping that somebody'll be dumb enough to hire me...
Ate way too much over New Years & gained like 5 kg. I suspect my Japanese mother-in-law is secretly Jewish and/or Italian. "What? You can't be full! You must eeeeeeaaaat!"
After espousing it as "MySpace for Rich Kids" and swearing up & down that I'd never have anything to do with it, I finally caved & joined FaceBook once I realized its not that different from Mixi. It's amazing to see how many people I know are on it and now I too can be a sheep. Baaah. ;)
Winter wonderland, my ass. I think the high temp here in Rice & Watermelon Town has been above freezing maybe twice since December. Average highs around -5C & average lows between -20C to -15C. My clunker Pajero regularly refuses to start in the morning, our front door freezes on the inside on a normal basis and the big kerosene heater in our living room has been running non-stop since about November, yet strangely, I've kinda gotten used to the cold. A friend from Hot-lanta asked me a few days ago how the hell I live in a climate like this, but from my perspective, I can't see how he stands it there in the summer. Hell, M & I thought 4C was hot when we went down to Sapporo over New Years...
Last but not least, bun has been firmly inserted in oven! That's right folks...we're preggers and actually expecting a little hellspawn the likes of which the world has never seen before any day now! M & I're actually gonna be a Mommy & Daddy to an amazing little girl who, for the moment we've nicknamed our "Little Bean". Can ya believe it? I know I'm sure having a hard time getting my head around it.

Ok...guess that's it for now, so hopefully this'll satisfy the wants of a certain few who've bitched at me to update for sometime. I'm off to translate more Japanese hotel websites that feature words like "feature", "relaxation" and "tranquil", so for now, ta, muchly ;)

Sports Day Bento

2007-06-12T15:15:00.000+09:00

Yeah, I'm like 2 weeks late a more than a dollar short, but here at XX Elementary we had our big Sports/Field Day two weeks ago. This was the bento/lunch box that M made for me for the big day...

Wow...can you say, "Hokkaido Hillbilly is loved"? And no, there's no way in hell I coulda finished all that in one go. We snacked on it and all the other stuff that wouldn't fit in the box for at least another day.

忙しい　・　Busy

2007-06-01T23:43:00.000+09:00

仕事が多いだし、今週の日曜日は○○小学校の運動会だし、用具係に入っているから今日は、昨日の「ハプニング」についてあまり書けないほど忙しい。

まだちょっとショックと信じられない気持ちで、話しておかないと落ち着かないんだから明日時間があれば書きます。

結構面白いから是非、期待してください。　^_^

Lots o' work, XX Elementary School is having its big Sports Day on Sunday and I'm on the equipment committee, so I haven't even had time yet to write about yesterday's little "happening" I've been so busy.

I'm still sorta in shock & disbelief about what happened and I really need to get it off my chest, so I'll write more tomorrow if I have time.

It's defo a doozy, so stay tuned. ;)

Web Zen LOLalrus

2007-05-31T23:22:00.000+09:00

Because I had a shitty day (I'll expound more on that later...promise) and this picture just makes me smile. :)

Thank you, God for LOLcats.

link, via I can has cheeseburger?

はい・・・まだ生きている・ Yup, Still Alive

2007-05-30T15:47:00.000+09:00

English below...

ウイ～っす！しばらくだね？

「あらっ・・・北海道Hillbilly君はもう死んでいるかな？」と思っちゃう人もいるかもしれないけど違えます！ビンビンしているよ！＾＿＾

前回の日記から2が月間が経ったけど（早っ！）、「何でそんなに長い時間にブログで何も書かなかったのかい？」と言う聞いている方の為に、以下の言い訳を発表させて頂きます：

1）新学年が始まって、急に忙しくなってきた。
2）春休みの間に、パソコンのハードディスクが死んじゃった。
3）2番の結果で、デル・ジャパンは新しいハードディスクを送ってくれた。(Dell Japan ROKS!)
4）3番の結果で、WinXPの再インストールはものすごく面倒くさい出来事になって、「マイクロソフトはもううんざり！」と叫んで、Ubuntuと言うLinuxの種類もインストールをしちゃった。
5）Ubuntuのインストールで色々な問題があって、結局7回の再インストールは必要だった。（だけど正直にUbuntuのせいじゃなくて、自分はLinuxについて何も分からなかったから。その時に比べて大分なれたから今Ubuntu大好きだし、絶対薦められる）
6）実は何回も草稿の日記を書いたけど後で「あぁ・・・これはやっぱ載せられないべ」と思って、消しちゃった。
7）宇宙人による誘拐された・・・かもしれない・・・かな？；）
8）僕はただ怠け者。

好きな言い訳を自由に選んでください。しかし、正直に・・・95％は8番のせいだ。

とにかく、戻ってきた。これから続けられるかどうかさっぱり分っかんないけど・・・とりあえず、一か八かやってみる。

Wazzup? Been a while, eh?

To those of you who may be thinking, "Hmmm...I wonder if he's dead?", the answer would be a defo negateevo. Yeah, still alive & kickin'.

I know it's been like 2 months since I last made a post (wow...that was fast), so for anybody who's wondering, "Why the hell's it been so long since you wrote anything?!", I offer for your reading pleasure the following excuses:

1) The new school year started in April and I actually had to do some work.
2) My hard drive died over Spring Break
3) As a result of #2, Dell Japan sent me a new hard drive (Dell Japan ROKS!)
4) As a result of #3, reinstalling WinXP turned out to be a complete & total pain in the ass, I screamed to the gods, "MICROSOFT SUCKS" and ended up installing a dual boot of Ubuntu Linux.
5) Ran into a boat-load of problems with the Ubuntu install and it took 7 re-installs to get the thing running like I wanted it. (although to be perfectly honest, it was because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I've grown to really love Ubuntu and can now HIGHLY recommend it)
6) I actually wrote quite a few posts but then in mid-stride reallized, "Whoa...hold on a sec. I can't post this shit!" and erased 'em.
7) I was abducted by aliens...maybe...possibly ;)
8) I'm a lazy little bugger.

Feel more than free to pick your own excuse. But in all honesty...#8 probably accounts for about 95% it.

In anycase, I'm back. I have no idea whether or not I'll even be able to keep up regular posts, but for the time being I'll give it a shot.

ミクシィの友達に脱帽する　・　Props to Folks from Mixi

2007-03-06T10:01:00.000+09:00

English below...

うい～っす、皆!　

一週間くらい、日記が全然書かなくてごめんね。最近疲れたり、仕事は思ったより忙しかったり・・・正直にちょっとブルーな感じだったから日記を書く力あまりなかった。

しかし・・・

実際日記を書くと、何となく「治療効果」があるから今日は頑張って、元気を出したい。

とにかく、皆さんの色々なコメント、ありがとうございます。本当に感謝する。

僕は頑張るからこれからもよろしくぅ！　：）

What's shakin', everybody?

For the past week, I haven't made any posts or whatsoever and I'd really like to apologize for that. Recently I've been tired, busier than I thought I'd be...and to be perfectly honest, in a bit of a slump emotionally, so I just haven't been motivated to write anything.

However...

When I actually sit down and bang out one of these posts, it's somewhat therapeutic to me in a weird kind of way so I'm gonna give it another shot and try to get myself out of this rut.

In any case, I want to thank all of you who've left comments. I really appreciate it!

I'm gonna try my best, so stay tuned for more! ;)

昼寝したーぃ・・・zzzz　・　Oh God, I could use a na....zzzz

2007-02-28T14:34:00.000+09:00

給食を食べて、お腹がいっぱいになった。
＋
職員室は温かくて心地いい。
＋
結構暇だ。
＋
ちょっとだけ寝不足。

＝ものす～んごく眠たい。誰か助けて・・・

Full tummy from lunch.
+
Warm, cozy staff room.
+
Kinda bored.
+
A bit of a lack o' sleep.

=Me about to pass out. Please somebody help me...

ビーーーーフ！　・　BEEEEEEEEEEF!

2007-02-26T15:03:00.000+09:00

Much more coherent & interesting English below...

まず、皆さんのバースディメッセやコメントやメールをありがとうね。本当に、本当に最高な誕生日だった。

注意：以下は正直・・・ちょっと長いっす。書いた時に頭はグルグルしていたからちょっとバラバラな日記になっちゃいました。orz

土曜日: 天気は晴れて、ちょっとだけポカポカで、昼からMさんと一緒に出かけました。最初マックに行った。

ずーと前から「メガ・マック」を試したかったけど各店の毎日売れる限定があるからいつも「すみませんが今日はもう売り切れです」。今日もなければフレッシュネス・バーガーに行こうと決めて、一か八かやってみた。

さすが誕生日でしょう。まだありました！ラッキー！

ジューシーで、かなりボリュームあり・・・ニク～ゥッ！って感じ。食べ終わったら100％満足満腹マンでしたもん。

次、今年の誕生日プレゼントとして、Mさんは任天堂Wiiを買いあげたかったから大型箱型電気屋さんに行ってみた。無し。次の店もない。実は旭川にでこにもないっす、そんなに大人気だ。

Mさんはちょっとガッカリだったが僕は全然問題なかった・・・だって、僕にとって一日中一緒にいてくれるのは十分嬉しかった。Wiiは後でいつでも買えば良い、そしてゲームやプレゼントより一緒に過ごせる時間の方が大事です。：）

とりあえず、Wiiを買うことにギブアップして、大きいショッピング・センターに行って、大好きな輸入食品店に立ち寄った。この店に行くといつも買いすぎますが今日は誕生日だから特に買いすぎました。

なんと：

ベーグル　（！）
高級ポテトチップス　（！！）
ハワイのコナ・コーヒー　（！！！）

ワウ!

しかもそれだけじゃなくて、夜にMさんはバースディ・ディナーを作ってくれました！僕の誕生日の為にMさんはいつもステーキを料理してくれるけど今年は本当に特別でした。

はい。神戸牛でした。

焼きすぎにしたくなかったからちょっとレイヤだったが全然問題なかった。口の中で味はシュワ～っとして、ものすごく美味しかった・・・が、去年の誕生日食べた美瑛牛に比べて、そんに変わらないかもしれない。やっぱり北海道は最高だべ。；）

日曜日：完全「アメリカ人」の気分でした。お父さんからもらったスーパー・ボールを見たり、ビールを飲んだり、ポテトチップスを食べた。

外から普通の教員住宅みたいかもしれないけど中はやっぱり時々「プチアメリカ」だね。

コメントは下　・　ホーム　・　メール

=====================================================

First off, a big thanks to everyone for all the birthday messages, mails & comments. It was defo one of the better birthdays I've had in a while!

Secondly, my apologies but this is a bit of a long post. Lots o' brain farts and disconnected thoughts went into this one, so...well, you've been warned. ;)

Saturday: For the first time in a while, nice & sunny and even a tad bit warm as M & I set out during the early afternoon. First stop: Micky D's.

I'd been wanting to try the big "Mega Mac" (a Big Mac w/ 4 instead of 2 beef patties) for a while, but supposedly each store has a limit to how many they can sell each day, and everytime I've tried to buy one it's always been, "Sorry, we've sold out for the day." We figured we'd still give it a shot though, and if no Mega Macs, we'd head to Freshness Burger.

No sell outs today, baby! Yes, birthday luck was on my side and I was finally able to get my grubby little paws on giant McFat burger. Beef...salt...cheese...grease....*slobber*

Next up was a trip to our local big box electronics store. M had been bugging me forever as to what I wanted for my birthday, and I couldn't really think of anything other than a Nintendo Wii. Surprisingly enough though, she said "OK" and we were all set to get our Wii on...until we got to the store, that is.

Turns out that nobody has any Wiis. Not the big box retailers, not the malls, not Toys R Us and none on line. Nada. Gee, thanks for hyping us up with all the commercials for nothing, Nintendo.

M was pretty bummed out as she really wanted to get it for me but I certainly didn't mind that much. I mean, we can pick one up later, right? Besides, as corny & mushy as it may sound, just being able to spend a nice Saturday afternoon out together was enough to make me happy.

Giving up on trying to find Nintendo's latest hell spawn, we headed over to Asahikawa's big shopping mall and to my favorite foreign foods store. We always end up spending way to much money in this place, but seeing as a) it was my birthday and b) I think M wanted to make up for not being able to get me a Wii, we really went whole hog this time. Our shopping list included:

Bagels (!) ⇒ Always a favorite, and a must buy when we can find 'em
Terra Potato Chips (!!) ⇒ Expensive, but the best chips on Earth & worth every yen
Hawaiian Kona Coffee (!!!) ⇒ Oh God...so good, but you don't even wanna know how much we ended up paying for a measly 200g

After a quick coffee @ Tully's (Cause Starbucks is overrated) we were off to the grocery store to pick up supplies for my big birthday dinner. Last year M fixed me this amazing Biei beef steak that was out of this world and we were planning on having it again this year, but fate was to throw a bit of a wrench in the works. Turns out that that they only had one Biei steak, so that was a no go. What ever were we to do? Well, we just had to bite the bullet and go with the alternative...

Friggin' Kobe beef baby!

Yeah, that Kobe beef...the one where they massage the cows and feed 'em beer so that the meat ends up marbled like you wouldn't believe. Like to the point where M said that as she was putting it in the pan to cook, it started melting in her hand just from body heat.

With a piece of beef like this that you can really only afford to eat maybe once a year if you save up for it, we sure as hell didn't wanna overcook it. It turned out a bit rare, but that certainly wasn't a problem for me, as the second it went in my mouth it...just...wow, hard to describe. If you can imagine a slowly expanding cloud of the most amazing beef you've ever tasted multiplied by about 50 inside your mouth, that kinda comes close.

To be really & truly honest, it wasn't that much different from the Biei beef we had last year, and I think M was a bit disappointed, but I was sure as hell a happy boy. :)

Sunday: Day 2 of the big birthday weekend celebration and "Manly American Man" day. *grin*

Seriously, I felt more American on Sunday than I have in a long, long time. And why would that be?

I towed M's car out of the ice & charged her battery since she hasn't driven it in so long (ok, admittedly nothing to do w/ being American, but certainly manly, nonetheless)
I was finally able to watch the Super Bowl tape that my Dad sent me, complete with the commercials (although sadly the "beard combover" Sierra Mist spot was the only real winner this year)
I had a Corona & ate my ridiculously expensive Terra Yukon Gold potato chips with real cheddar cheese & Tennessee Sunshine hot sauce.

Oh yeah...sure it may look like your normal Japanese teachers housing on the outside, but every now & then it's Little America on the inside, no doubt about it.

Wonder what next year'll bring?

Happy Birthday To Me!

2007-02-24T11:04:00.000+09:00

今日はさらにおっさんになっちゃいました。

そうだべ・・・もう32才だ。

実は時差を考慮したら、明日の午前5時半くらい（日本の時間）まで31だけどまあ・・・十分近いだ。

今日は何の誕生日プレゼントをもらう？♪　もしかしてまた憎悪発言のコメントかな～

Well, today I slip yet even further into the depths of middle age. Yup. I'm now 32.

I mean, technically with the time difference & whatnot I won't officially be 32 until 5:30AM-ish (JST) tomorrow morning, but oh well...close enough. ;)

Wonder what kinda birthday present I'll get this year? Another hate-speech comment perhaps? *grin*

おお・・・初「憎悪発言」のコメント！　・　Woot! My First Hate Speech Comment!

2007-02-23T23:34:00.000+09:00

You'd better believe there's gonna be English for this one...

今日は以下の匿名のコメントをもらいました：

「糞外人は日本から出て行け。」

日本にいるの8年間の間に初めてだ。運が向いてきたようだね。(笑)

返事した方が良い？消した方が良い？仕方ない・・・返事しましょう:

匿名さんへ、

わざわざこのブログを読んでくれて、そしてコメントを書いてくれてありがとうございます。

しかし、貴方のコメントに応えて、あいにくですがそんなのは問題外です。

信じないかもしれないけど実は日本が大好きです。そうじゃなかったら何故もうそろそろ8年間日本に住んで、日本の女性と結婚をしますか？

いやが応でも、外国人と「○○系日本人」はますます現代日本社会の一部です。

それに人間は人間です。顔や肌色は違うかも知れないけど骨身は皆同じでしょう？

個人的に人種差別を許さないから「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル」を見た時に腹を立っていました。人種差別主義はだれも助かりません。同意しないでしょうか？

改めて、コメントを書いてくれてありがとうございます。日本語でも英語でも、お返事を待ちしています。

敬具

コメントは下へ　・　ホーム　・　メール

=============================================

Earlier today I found the following anonymous comment on my previous post about the foreign crime mook (translation mine):

"Get the hell outta Japan you fucking foreigner"

In the nearly 8 years that I've been in Japan this is defo a first. Guess it's my lucky day. *grin*

Should I write back? Should I just delete it and not give this guy the satisfaction of a reply?

Ah, what the hell, let's give this dude a response:

Dear Anonymous,

First off, thank you for going out of your way to find this blog and go so far as to make a comment.

However, in response to your comment, I'm afraid that's somewhat out of the question.

You may not believe it, but I actually love Japan. Why would I have lived here for nearly 8 years and married a Japanese woman otherwise?

Whether you like it or not, foreigners and foreign-born naturalized Japanese are more and more a part of modern Japanese society.

Besides, people are people. Faces and skin color may differ, but underneath we are all flesh and bone, are we not?

Personally, I abhor racism and as such became quite upset when I viewed "Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime". Racism benefits no one, would you not agree?

Once again, thank you for your comment, and be it in Japanese or English, I look forward to hearing from you again.

Sincerely,

Hokkaido Hillbilly

驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイルと「ブログの力」　・　Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime & "Blog Power"

2007-02-22T23:09:00.001+09:00

English down below somewhere...

この間、「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル」と言うムックについて色々な日記を書きました。なぜそんなに怒っていた?

まず、ここにクリックしたらすぐ分かると思う。

ひどいでしょう?

「外人は日本語が読めないから日本語だったら何でも書いていいんじゃない？」

違います。日本の英知出版たち・・・今度こういう風な人種差別的な報道を出版したいなら覚えてください。

ありがたいことにもう販売していないけど売り切れたのせいじゃなくて、「ブログの力」だから。

terrette.blogspot.comの「Blog Power Strikes In Japan」（ブログの力が日本に到着）と言う記事で僕より上手く説明しているけど（英語のみすみません）一般的に、在日外国人はこのムックについて激怒してて、沢山のブログで情報交換をして、コンビニの販売を止めさせた。

ブログってすごくない？ちゃんと使えばかなり力がありますね。

コメントは下へ　・　ホーム　・　メール

===================================================

Near the beginning of the month, I made a few posts about the "Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime" mook, but some of you may be wondering why I was so pissed off about it.

Well, thanks to a fastidious Flickr user, you can now click here & see why.

Pretty nasty, huh?

"Ah...foreigners are incapable of reading Japanese, so as long as it's in Nihongo, they'll never know the difference!"

Um, wrong guys. To all the Eichi Publishers of Japan: please remember what's happened here the next time you wanna publish racist crap like this.

There's a great article on "Blog Power Strikes Japan" over at terrette.blogspot.com that explains this whole flap about 10 million times better than I ever could, but the gist of it is that once the foreign community in Japan got wind of it, a ton of bloggers started exchanging information and getting the word out, and before you could say "Holy J-Racism, Batman!", sales of this little piece of hate speech were stopped.

Stupid, little ol' blogs sure are somethin', huh? It just goes to show the power of blogs for social change when used correctly. It kinda boggles the mind at what they could be used for next.

僕の教え子は最高！　・　Man, I Love My Kids

2007-02-21T15:43:00.000+09:00

English below...

昨日は○○小学校でH18年度の最後3・4年生の英語活動だった。お疲れ様僕　（笑）

この子供たち、特に4年生は本当にすごいです。英語の発音は綺麗だし、ちゃんとVやLやRができる様になっている。その上に、「I play ○○」、「I do ○○」と「I ○○」ができる様になった！たとえば、「What sports do you play?」（どんなスポーツをしますか？）と聞かれたら、「I play swimming」や「I play ski」じゃなくて、ちゃんと「I swim」や「I ski」や「I do kendo」！

中学生の教え子でもこれがまだ分かってない！

やっぱり僕の教え子は最高!

コメントは下　・　ホーム　・　メール

=================================================

Yesterday was the last class of the school year for my 3rd & 4th graders at ○○ Elementary, and man, do these kids, especially the 4th graders continue to surprise me.

Not only is their pronunciation getting better all the time, i.e. they're actually beginning to be able to say their r's, l's and v's, they've actually started to pick up on verbs! For example, unlike most kids here in Happy Land, when you ask them, "What sports do you play?", they don't say odd things like, "I play swimming" or "I play ski", but rather, "I swim" or "I ski" or "I do kendo."!

My jr. high kids haven't even mastered this stuff yet!

Man, I love my kids. :)

僕は裏切り者かな～　・　I've Sold Out To The Man

2007-02-19T23:09:00.001+09:00

皆さんが気付かないかも知れないけど、学生ローンを払い戻すサポートの為に今日はページの上、中右、下の方にJ-Listのアフィリエイト報告を載せちゃいました。正直にあまりお金を貰わないけど是非、クリックしてみてね！

その上に、ペイ・パルの「学生ローンを払い戻すの献金」ボタンも作りました。気前の良い感だったらよろしくお願いします！orz

I've been J-Listed! And as you may (or may not) have noticed, I've placed 3 affiliate ads for them in a few spots around the site to (hopefully) add a little bit more to my monthly student loan payment. J-List is a really cool company that specializes in weird, crazy stuff that can be only found in Japan, including t-shirts, candy, WordTank electronic dictionaries, Japanese porn & more. For those of you here in happy land, you're unfortunately limited to the more PG rated side of the site thanks to Japan's lovely censorship laws, but those of you anyplace else are free to check out the naughtier side free of the dreaded mosaic.

In anycase, give one of the ads a click, buy some stuff, and help me kick my student loan in the ass! (to be perfectly honest, I doubt that any commissions I make will amount to much, but I promise to blog about it if anything good happens!)

As well, I've also added a "Help Me Pay Off My Student Loan" PayPal button, so if you're feeling generous, feel free to donate 5 yen, 5 dollars or however much you'd like, and know that you're helping someone to get out from under the crushing weight of debt!

Thanks!

第一回目の面白い統計　・　Interesting Statistics Part I

2007-02-18T03:10:00.000+09:00

English here

このブログを始まった時に「家族と2・3人の友達以外、誰も読まないかな～」と思った。

ブッブー

もちろん、ミクシィのお蔭様で日本国内の色々な人はこのサイトに遊んで来てくれたがsitemeterによると、結構国際的なブログになった。例えば、今まで、以下の国からこのブログがアクセスをされた：

日本、韓国、アメリカ、カナダ、シンガポール、アイルランド、メキシコ、フランス、イギリス、ニュー・ジーランド、オーストラリア、中国、インド、マカオ、ドイツ、デンマーク、マレーシア

そして「検索」も面白いよ。誰かがGoogleやYahoo!やGooで以下の検索して、僕のサイトを見つけた：

「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル」　⇒　一番多い。「ファミリー・マート」と言うコンビニでもこうやってここに尋ねた。
「buying isopropyl alcohol in Japan Hokkaido」　⇒　「北海道・日本でイソプロピル・アルコールを買うこと」の意味。ハァ?
「hillbilly」　⇒　当然でしょう？
「Japanese Penis Envy」　⇒　「日本人の男根羨望」の意味。（爆笑）

その上に、全く分からないけどこの日本のポルノバナーサイトで僕のブログがリンクをされた。何で?

これからもっと面白い統計を楽しみにしている！

コメントは下へ　・　ホーム　・　メール
===============================

When I first started this blog, I figured that the only people who'd end up reading it would be my family in the US and maybe a few friends.

Wrong-ola!

I mean, sure...I've got a bunch of hits from people in Japan thanks to Mixi, but according sitemeter, my little blog that could has taken on a bit of an international flavor. For example, people from the following countries've darkened my doorstep:

Japan, USA, Canada, South Korea, Singapore, Ireland, Mexico, France, UK, New Zealand, Australia, China, India, Macau, Germany, Denmark, Malaysia

The searches that people've used to get here via Google, Yahoo! & other search are pretty entertaining, too:

「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル」　⇒　("Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime") This is the one is by far the search I tend to get the most hits on. Hell, even FamilyMart checked me out via this phrase when everybody was threatening to boycott them if they didn't take this mag off the stands.
「buying isopropyl alcohol in Japan Hokkaido」　⇒　Huh? I have no idea.
「hillbilly」　⇒　Makes sense, I guess.
「Japanese Penis Envy」　⇒　My favorite by far. Whoever you are, thanks for stopping by & come back soon! ;)

One other interesting little tidbit of info is that for some reason, there's a Japanese porno banner site (NSFW) that links here. Why? I have absolutely no earthly idea, but hits are hits, so come back anytime, pervs!

Hoo boy...wonder what sorta stats I'm gonna come up w/ from now on...

やっと週末だ・ Thank you Jesus for weekends

2007-02-17T14:54:00.000+09:00

English below, if for no other reason than that I've started thinking in Japanese first...

ワ～・・・週末だ！やった！

＊踊っている＊

月曜日は休日だったから普通より短かったが普通より忙しかった。そして風邪はまだ治っていないから結構疲れた。実は昨夜（金曜日）にこの日記を書くつもりだったがエネルギーのタンクは空っぽだった。

結果として、今日は珍しくに午前11時まで寝て、ちょっと元気になった。やっぱ週末って最高ね。

どれどれ・・・今週に面白かったことあったかな～

火曜日：一日中○○中学校で2年生のインタービュー・テストだった。同じ質問を何回も訊いたし、風邪はまだまだだったから正直にちょっと辛かった。「What's your name? Which do you like better...dogs or cats? Who's your favorite singer? When is your birthday? How old are you?」みたいな中学生レベル質問ばっかり。たまに「アーッ・・・だれか殺してください」と思った。分かったこと：①殆どの女子中学生は「花より男子」と言うテレビドラマが好き。②「I」先生（○○中学校の英語の先生）は英語を喋ると、ルーニー・チューンズの「Elmer Fudd」と同じくらいの発音がある（「Pwease tew me, when is youah buhfday?」とか）。昼からちょっと暇がありましたから道内住んでいる外国人・英語指導助手メールリストで「僕以外、ミクシィをやっている人いないのか？」のメッセージを送った。結局以外にいるからちょっとびっくりしたけど新しいマイミックいっぱいゲットしちゃった。そして夜に、大好きな「Southern Culture On The Skids」と言うバンドのミクシィのコミューも見つけた！「あるわけない」と思ったから超嬉しかった！

水曜日：バレンタイン・デイとインタービュー・テスト二日目。ありがたいことにギリチョコを貰わなかった（すごく嫌な感じだから）けど4人の教え子から手作りチョコを貰った（やった！）。

久しぶりに野球少年団段練習に行ったけど「K」先生は会議に出席していたから一人で指導した。準備体操の時に「じゃ皆・・・音楽を聴きたい人！」と訊いて、皆の子供達は「は～い！」・・・だけど再生したCDの曲はハードコアーラップ（50 Centとか）と「F・ワード」を使っているやつばっかり。子供たちはもちろん歌詞を分からなかったし、楽しく踊ったけどやっぱり僕は地獄に落ちる。

家に帰った時にサープライズが待っていた・・・奥さんは手作りチョコをいっぱい作ってくれたし、アメリカの両親から「バレンタインと誕生日ボックス」が届いた！

　　
（アメリカのバレンタインお菓子）　　（奥さんの手作りチョコ）

両親から届いた包みはアメフトのスーパー・ボールのビデオも入っていた！いいね・・・すごく愛されているを感じましたから最高なバレンタイン・デイだった。

木曜日：「小さな田舎の田んぼの中」小学校で授業を教えた。町の学校の中では、この小ちゃい、小ちゃい、児童9名しかいない学校は一番好きだ。1年生が一人。2年生が一人。3年生が二人。5年生が二人。6年生が3人。本当に「家族」みたいな雰囲気だ。給食を食べる時に、皆（校長先生、教頭先生と二人の担任の先生も）が一緒に食べるから他の学校と全く同じ給食なのに、他の学校の給食より100倍くらい美味しいだ。昼休みでも校長先生と担任の先生達は子供たちと一緒に遊ぶ。

残念ながら人数が少ないので4月に閉校となる。本当に寂しいです。今日は低学年の二人と一緒の最後の授業だったからお礼の手作りカードとチューリップが与えられた。泣きそうだったがチビ達の前で元気な顔をしなくちゃから我慢した。

その後、中・高学年の授業で数字を教えて、ビンゴ・ゲームをした。彼らは英語の1から10まで知っていたから今日は11から100までを教えた。他の学校では、クラスの人数は多すぎるからこういう風なレッソンは45分の間に無理だけどこの学校の児童はものすごく頭がいいし、勘がいいので3年生の二人でも全然問題がなかった。

給食と掃除が終わったら、昼休みの間ミニ・バレーを遊んて、あっという間に帰る時間になった。来週は中・高学年の最後の授業だからあまり楽しみにしていないっすね。:..(

金曜日：花金！先週の木・金曜日に風邪で休んだからその授業は今日の午前中を教えた。ハイテンションの授業しかできないし、3・4年生だったし、風邪はまだ100％治っていないから1・2・3・4時間目の授業が終わったら、声がつぶれて、かなり疲れた。

放課後に日教組の会議の陰様で野球少年団練習がなかったから旭川に行って、ちょっと買い物をした。腕時計のバンドは壊れたから「買い物公園」の時計屋さんで修理をさせて、近くのゲームセンターに首を突っ込んだ。珍しくに「太鼓の達人」を遊ばなかったが新しいNOVAの英語能力ゲームを一か八かやってみた。結果は全国の参加者の80％よりよくできたが母国語は英語だから正直にちょっとガッカリだった。

任天堂Wiiが欲しいし、「中古あるかな？」と思ったから帰る途中にリサイクルショップに立ち寄った。Wiiがなかったけど小売価格より高い中古PS3を見つけた。はぁ？お断りです。

土曜日：上に書いた様に、寝坊した。最近8時間以上あまり寝られないので僕にとってちょっと珍しい。「小包みが届いたよ!」を知らせる為に、アメリカに住んでいるママとパパにスカイプして、1時間半くらい話した（ところで・・・スカイプはすごくない？）。両親と話すと、彼らはいつも「いつ帰国して、大学院に入学するの？」。去年、「2007年の夏アメリカに帰る」と言っちゃったけど奥さんと話し合って、教育委員会の希望を配慮したら、実はもう一年間（2008年まで）日本にいることを決めた。奥さんと僕のアメリカに帰ることにつてすごく楽しみにしていたから僕は「今年じゃなくて、来年に帰国する」と言ったら、向こうはウェブカメラがないのにすぐガッカリしたが分かった。父ちゃん、母ちゃん、ガッカリさせちゃってごめんね・・・けどいつも、何でも、どこでも応援してくれてありがとう。

ここまで読んでくれたら、本当にお疲れ様でした。今回の日記はもちろん長すぎだけど色々について書きたかった、途中に止められなかった。もっと短い日記を書いたら読んでくれる人はもっとコメントを書いてくれるかな?

皆さんの一週間はどうでしたか？教えてね!

コメントを書きたいなら下へ・ホーム・メール
============================

Yeah, baby! The weekend is here!

*Hokkaido Hillbilly does a little dance*

Although it was a bit shorter week than usual thanks to a holiday on Monday, I was busier than usual. Add that to the fact that I'm still not over my stupid cold, and by the time Friday night rolled around, I was shot. I had actually planned on writing this post last night (Friday), but by the time I finally sat down in front of the computer, I was running on fumes.

As a result, I ended up sleeping in...like really sleeping in, until 11AM today, so am thankfully feeling a bit more recharged. Oh, how I loves me some weekends.

Well, let's see...what all interesting happened this week...

Tuesday: Personal interview tests w/ the 8th graders at ○○ Jr. High pretty much all day. After asking the same questions over and over and still trying to deal w/ a nasty cold, I was hurtin'. Basic 8th grade English questions like, "What's your name?" "Which do you like better...dogs or cats?" "Who's your favorite singer?" "When is your birthday?" "How old are you?" No idea how many times I thought to myself, "Oh God...somebody please kill me. Now." Things I learned out of this ordeal:

1) The favorite TV show of 99.9% of the 8th grade girls is "Hana Yori Dango", some teeny bopper drama featuring a bunch of rich, dreamy boys, i.e. hormonally challenged teenaged girls are the same everywhere.

2) Mrs. I, the 8th & 9th grade English teacher at this school talks like, and I kid you not, Elmer Fudd. "Pwease tew me when is youah buhfday?" I kept waiting for her to bust out with, "Kiew da wabbit, kiew da wabbit!" but unfortunately she never did.

3) Asking kids when their birthdays are isn't a problem, but most can't tell you how old they are. Student: "I'm...13...no, 14? 13......" (looks quizically at English teacher in a desperate bid for help). Mrs. I/Elmer Fudd: "Eyaz owd". Student: *unintelligible muttering*.

4) While the Jr. High kids have a bigger vocabulary, in general, my elementary school kids have a much better grasp of English.

In the afternoon, I had a bit of free time, so put out a message on the HAJET listserv asking, "Anybody besides me here do Mixi?". Amazingly enough, there's quite a few o' my fellow foreign barbarians up here in the Great White North w/ Mixi accounts, so I was a bit surprised but ended up with quite a few new friends. Later on that night, I was on Mixi again and just on a whim, figured I'd see if there was a Southern Culture On The Skids community, not really expecting many Japanese folks to be into surf-punk-rockabilly, but lo & behold, there're actually SCOTS fans here! Sweet!

Wednesday: Valentine's Day & interview tests day 2. As I wrote about a few days ago, I can't stand the whole idea of giri-choco ("obligation chocolates"), so thankfully I didn't get any...but I did get some goodies from 4 of my students (score!)!

Went to baseball practice for the first time in nearly a week, and since Coach K had to be at a meeting, it was just me in charge. During warm-ups, I asked the kids if they wanted to listen to some music, and they were up for it, so I popped in a CD and off we went. Oh, but this wasn't just any old CD...no, I just had to pick one consisting of mostly un-edited club type songs. 50 Cent in all his glory and other tunes with, shall we say...very colorful language. The kids (all 2nd & 3rd grade little boys) were all getting their grooves on and seemed to really like it, and I know that there's no way they could actually understand the lyrics, but yeah...looks like I'm defo going to hell.

Once practice was over & I got home, there was quite the surprise waiting...M had spent all day making me chocolates and Mom & Dad's Valentine/Birthday care package had arrived!

(US Valentine's Goodies) (M's Homemade V-Day Chocolate)

Not only that, but M&D put a tape of the Super Bowl in with the rest of the stuff! An overall 1st class Valentine's Day & I really felt loved.

Thursday: Taught classes at "Little BFE Surrounded By Rice Paddies" Elementary. Of all the schools in town, this one is by far the smallest, w/ only 9 kids and my absolute favorite. 1 1st grader. 1 2nd grader. 2 3rd graders. 2 4th graders. 3 6th graders. One teacher teaches the 2 little kids and another teaches the remaining 7 all in one class. Total family type of atmosphere and they treat me like a complete rock star whenever I go there. Instead of each class eating separately like at other Japanese schools, everyone there eats lunch together, including the Principal, Vice-Principal & both teachers. Even though it's the same school lunch that's delivered to every other school here in town, it always tastes about a million times better here (especially when one of the staff makes jam or pickles and brings it for everyone to share). After lunch and the kids've cleaned up the school (yeah, no school janitors on this side o' the pond...the kids do it all), even the Principal plays with the kids during recess.

Unfortunately, however, due to a lack of bodies and money, the town board of education is gonna close this wonderful little school down at the end of the school year, i.e. the end of next month and ship all the kids to the biggest school in town. This sucks big ol' donkey balls and I know it from personal experience, as my high school was closed down after I finished 10th grade. I hated having to drive 20 miles to school and I hate that these kids have to leave such a wonderful environment...but I digress.

Today was my last class with the 1st & 2nd grader, but we still managed to have a great time. These are fabulous, smart little kids and they've already pretty much mastered the alphabet...both upper & lower case, even! This may not seem like much to those of you outside Japan, but just keep in mind that 99% of Japanese aren't even introduced to roman letters until they're in 4th grade, and most of my Jr. High school kids still don't have a handle on lower case. See why I'm so proud? Anyway, we played ABC bingo and a "match the lower case letter to the upper case letter" puzzle and at the end of class, the 1st grader & the 2nd grader each gave me a card and a tulip. I really wanted to cry, but managed to hold it back and we all ended in smiles. :)

Next up were the 3rd, 4th & 6th grade kids & we played number bingo. The kids already knew 1-10 in English, so we flew through 11-100 and they devoured it like champs. In just about any of my other schools, it'd be impossible to teach this subject and play a full round of bingo in only 45 minutes due large class sizes and especially to lower grade levels, but not here. These're truly bright kids who pick up new concepts quickly, even the 3rd graders.

After lunch, we all played a spot of volleyball but before I knew it, it was time for me to leave, even though I didn't wanna go. Next week will be my last class here with the middle & upper grade kids, and even though I'll see them all again in April when they transfer to other schools in town, I'm really not looking forward to it 'cause I really don't wanna cry in front of 'em.

Friday: Taught make-up classes all morning at my base school for the ones I missed last week when I was home sick. Seeing as a) I'm completely incapable of doing a laid-back, low key lesson, b) I was teaching a bunch of noisy, rambunctious 3rd & 4th graders (who by the way are starting to have absolutely, amazingly beautiful pronunciation better than the Jr. High English teacher) and c) I'm not completely over my cold yet, my voice was just about gone and I was shattered by the time lunch rolled around.

Thanks to the teachers having some sorta union rally after school, Coach K canceled baseball practice so I headed into Asahikawa to do a little shopping. The band on my watch was broken, so after getting it fixed at a repair shop downtown, I poked my head into the nearby arcade. Didn't go for my usual round of "Taiko Drum Master", but I did decide to give a new English Challenge game a go. Took like 20 minutes to play, and I supposedly scored better than 80% of all the people in Japan who've played it, but...80%? And I'm a native English speaker? Hmm...maybe I have been here a tad too long...

I've been wanting a Nintendo Wii, so on the way home, I stopped at my favorite second-hand/recycle shop thinking they might have a used one. No Wii love, but they did have a used PS3 that was 3,000 yen more expensive than a new one. Huh? Um...thanks but I think I'll pass on that one.

Saturday: Like I said above, slept in. Recently, I physically can't sleep more than 8 hours so I was obviously a bit more tired than I thought. Hadn't let the 'rents know that their package'd arrived yet, so Skype'd (ain't Skype just a kick in the pants, BTW?) them and we had a good blather for nearly an hour & a half. Whenever I talk w/ my parents, the conversation eventually comes around to, "When're you gonna come home & get your MBA?". Up until last year, the answer had been "Probably summer of 2007", but after talking it over w/ M, taking into account how much the town board of education wants me to stick around another year and a whole helluvalot of soul searching, today's answer was, "Well, um...not this year, but summer of next year. While they don't have a webcam on their end yet (something they've been procrastinating about buying for the last year, no doubt in a ploy to get me come home & see them in person), I could hear it in their voices how disappointed they were. I hate feeling like I've let someone down and I defo felt that today. Mom, Dad...if you're reading this, I'm sorry I've dashed your hopes on the jagged rocks below, but I know you always support me wherever and whatever I do, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please believe me...M & I will be home soon enough. :)

Well dear reader, if you've gotten this far w/o saying "To hell w/ it" & clicking off somewhere else, you're a better person than I. I know this post is way too long (and it sure as hell took long enough to write in 2 languages), but once I got started stuff I wanted to write about just kept pouring out and it was like I couldn't stop typing.

Hmmm...there's a thought. Maybe if my blog entries were a tad bit shorter, people'd be more inclined to leave comments? (hint, hint)

Anyhoo, how was your week?

Screw White Day...I wanna celebrate Steak & A Blowjob Day

2007-02-15T15:15:00.000+09:00

To kinda follow up on yesterday's all Japanese post, some post-Valentine's love for my English-readin' peeps.

As some of you may or may not know, Valentine's Day is a wee bit different here in Happy Land. Instead of the consumer orgy of roses, chocolates, diamonds & customized candy hearts that say "PLSE SWLW" that men are obligated to indulge in to placate their sweethearts, it's kind of the opposite in Japan.

On this side o' the pond, women tend to make elaborate, handmade chocolates and give them to their favorite guys. For example, yesterday M made me a big ol' strawberry chocolate heart, rocky road, white chocolate w/ coconut and another strawberry job w/ cranberries in it, and I got some other homemade goodies from some of the kids @ school who, I guess, like me enough to have gone out of their way to made me some stuff.

This whole chocolate giving thing is also a way for women to out of the blue tell a guy that they like them, as in, "Here's a 5kg chocolate heart I made for you...wanna date me?"

On the other hand is something called "giri-choco" or "obligation chocolate". This tends to be the crappier, store bought chocolate that women are pretty much expected to give to all the guys they work with, no matter how smelly or slimy, in order to maintain a sense of "harmony" in the workplace. Um...sure, whatever.

The dark side of this celebratory sugar fueled love fest though is a purely Japanese (and copied by the Koreans & Taiwanese, supposedly) invention that falls exactly one month later on March 14th called "White Day". White Day was pulled out of the collective ass of the Japanese candy industry back in the 60's as a way for Japanese men to repay the kindness of women who'd given them chocolates on Valentine's Day.

That's all well & good and only fair, I guess, but according to Wiki, while men originally gave marshmallows to their female suitors, over time this tradition has turned into yet another chocolate & jewelry buying frenzy.

"Huh? You gave me a crappy piece of bargain bin chocolate a month ago, so I'm now supposed to provide you w/ diamond studded earings?"

Clever little devils, those women & their demon candy-jewelry-flower industrial complex marketing henchmen.

Anyhoo, I was checking out The Hot Librarian this morning, and via a link in her comments section, found the perfect solution to the problems of both Japanese & American men everywhere. Ladies & gentlemen, I proudly present to you... (drum roll, please)

According to the official website:

"March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. That's it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th. It's like a perpetual love machine!"

- Tom Birdsey (founder of Steak and Blowjob Day)

Ok, true, Japanese guys don't have it nearly as bad as their American counterparts, but work with me here. Hell, maybe they could even arrange an equivalent "Champagne Dinner & Hummer For The Girls Day" for all those poor forgotten Japanese women.

In anycase, you read it here first. March 14th...Steak & A Blowjob Day. Click on the link for more info. You know you'll be glad you did!

チョコいっぱいもらった！やっぱ俺様はモテモテマンだべや！　・・・えっと～違うべや

2007-02-14T22:21:00.000+09:00

Japanese only for this one, as it'd take way to long to explain in English. Maybe later when I don't need to really get to bed...

今日はバレンタイン・デイだったね。

皆知っていた？アメリカのバレンタイン・デイの祝いし方結構違います。もちろん子供達はお互いにバレンタイン・カードをあげますが向こうは社会人になったらルールがかなり変わる。付き合っているカップルはだいたいお互いにカードをあげますが実際には完全「女性の日」です。男性は女性に薔薇やチョコや宝石やできればその三つに合わせてあげる。

しないと、別れちゃうの可能性はかなり高いだ。

そしてホワイト・デイがない・・・Wikiによるとこの祝日は日本・韓国・台湾しか祝わない。

とにかく、個人的に相手が本当に愛している・好きなら、毎日毎日言って、告白して、実際に表現した方がいいと思うから正直にバレンタイン・デイは確かに僕の一番好きな祝日ではない。

そしてちょっと失礼かもしれないけど日本のバレンタイン・デイの「ギリ・チョコ」の伝統は特に・・・まあ・・・あまり好きじゃない。僕の考えではお土産とそんなに変わらないだ。

プレゼントをあげると、「あらっ・・・違う人を何かあげたから協調のために皆にプレゼントをあげなくちゃいけない」じゃなくて、本当に純粋な感じであげたい。

例えば、昨日奥さんに薔薇の花束をあげた。誰よりも愛しているだから。バレンタイン・デイだから普通よりちょっとおしゃれだったが愛情の表現としてよく奥さんに花をあげる。

そして今日は奥さんは僕の為に手作りチョコを作ってくれました。「やらなくちゃいけない」からじゃなくて、本当にやりたかったし、僕はどれくらい感動しているのが分かるから。

ところで・・・今日は4人の教え子からチョコをもらった。僕のこと「チョコをあげる好き」ほどすごく感動しているけどチョコより授業でもうちょっと頑張ったらもっと感動しているよ。　；）

Happy Industry Manufactured Chocolate Day Part I!

2007-02-14T08:13:00.000+09:00

Oh boy, here we go with the yearly orgy of homemade chocolate, confessions of love and broken hearted rejections.

Man, the Japanese chocolate industry sure has a pretty nice niche carved out for itself, seeing as how they've managed to con the whole of Japan into another fake holiday a month later on March 15th for "White Day".

One day for women and another for men to return the favor?

Bullshit, I say...Bullshit!

As any American knows, Valentine's Day is completely and entirely a holiday for women, and woe be to any attached male who doesn't buy his sweetie some combination of a) dinner, b) chocolate, c) roses or d) jewelry...and preferably all four of these.

Anyhoo, Boy Doctor is a Valentine's Baby today, so Happy Birthday if you're reading this, dude!

A Mash-Up At A Japanese Wedding

2007-02-11T23:39:00.000+09:00

English below...

レディオヘッドのファンの皆様・・・ださい駄じゃれすみませんが昨日は○○小学校の同僚の結婚式・披露宴に出席したから一日中その見出しについて考えました。許してね。 orz

とにかく、風邪は少し良くなったから昨日「花ちゃん先生（♂）」の結婚式に出席した。自分の結婚式を含めて・・・5，6回目(かな?)の日本の結婚式だから以下は期待通りだった：

1) 高かった（12,000円）。もちろん本州に比べてこれは激安いけど北海道の披露宴にとって結構高い。そしてアメリカの結婚式・披露宴は殆ど無料だから信じられないほどたかい。　⇒　向こうは、殆ど場合、新婦の両親は教会や式場費と披露宴費を支払ってくれる。披露宴の客さんはあくまでも会費を支払わないから1回目日本の披露宴に出席した時にかなりショックだった。

2) 男性の客さんの中に、半分くらいは白い靴下を履いていた・・・黒いスーツを着ていたのに。この中に半分くらいはおじさん達だったが20・30代の人も沢山いた。「ファッションの警察」になりたくないけどこれはすごく格好悪くない? 日本人の男たち・・・頼むよ。白いスーツ以外、黒い靴下お願いします。

3) 新婦と新郎は1回着替えした。他の披露宴に比べて少ないけど（今までの記録は4回）何でそんなに着替えなくちゃ?　やっぱり時々日本はさっぱり分からない。

4) 「お祝いの言葉」のスピーチは多くて、長くて、殆ど誰も聞いてくれなかった。ありがたいことに教頭先生のスピーチは比較的に短かった。

しかし、その四つの点以外、ちょっとびっくりしたところもいっぱいありました。

まずは、実際の結婚式はすごく綺麗でした。式場の「教会」だから本当の礼拝堂かどうか分からないけどとにかく、懐かしくて、心地いい空間でした。ちゃんと教会の座席もあったし、結婚行進曲が始まったら本物協会のオルガンとフルートで演奏した。祭壇の上に美しいステンドガラスの窓もありました。各座席の前に聖書と賛美歌集でけがなかった。それ以外、完全「洋風教会」の雰囲気だった。

夫婦の退場の後にバラの花びらフラワーシャワーがありました（アメリカの場合「ライスシャワー」だけど日本ではこれは有り得ないかな？）。バラだったから結構いい香りだったが付随する音楽はジョン・レノンの「The Ballad of John & Yoko」だったからちょっと・・・変な感じだた。もちろん「結婚関係」の曲だけど教会内に「They're gonna crucify me!（彼らは俺を十字架に張り付けるでしょう）」の歌詞は駄目な気がする。まあ・・・歌詞の意味は僕しか分からなかったはずだからいいんじゃない。

その後、同じ施設で披露宴が始まった。会場の高い吹き抜けの天井で、完全「ヨーロッパの古いビルの地下高級レストラン」の感じだった。レンガとマホガニーのナイス・コンビネーションで本当に格好いい建築術の所でした。

新婦・新郎の挨拶とお祝いの言葉とケーキカットが終わったら、次は祝宴だった。びっくりした！今までの殆どの披露宴食事は同じ「ホテル宴会食事」だったが今回大分違いました。

だって、フルコースの「テゥレビエンフランス料理」ヤン！

何回も「高かった！」について不平を言っちゃったが祝宴のメニューは高級フランス料理のレストランとそんなに変わらないほど美味しかった。ほら・・・メニュー見てみて・・・

Amuse-Bouche (最初のお口直し)
パイで蓋をした日高産真つぶと茸のフリカッセ

Hors d'oeuvre (オードブル)
スズキのカルパッチョ・キャビア添え

Soupe (スープ)
小野菜入り鯛のコンソメスープ

Poisson (お魚)
天草産真鯛のポアレ・イベリコ豚のチョリソー・ソースブールルージュ

Granite (中間のお口直し)
オレンジとクランベリーのグラニテ

Viande (お肉)
留寿都産もち豚ヒレ肉のポアレ・リンゴの香り

Dessert (デザート)
びっくりなめらかチョコレート・イチゴのスープとバニラアイス・ウェディングケーキ

Pain et Cafe
自家製パンとコーヒー

すごくない？そして「シンジラレナイ」くらい美味しかった・・・特にイベリコ豚と「びっくりなめらかチョコレート」。

銀食器もいっぱい並べた。同じテーブルの先生達は最初の方ちょっとパニック状態でしたが殆どの皆は上手に使える様になったし、分からなかった時にちゃんと接客係に「次はどっちを使う?」と尋ねた。K先生（一緒に野球少年団を指導する先生）だけギブアップをして、デザート以外割り箸を使っちゃいながら「白いご飯とおかずを食べたい」と何回も不平を言った。

エンターテインメントも楽しかった。新婦さんは中学校の音楽の先生だから本人は「Ave Maria」のソロ演奏したし、彼女の友達もピアノとピアニカの演奏もしました。

新郎の友達も（と言うことで○○小の私たち）「アトラクション」をやりましたが確かにもうちょっと低いレベルでした。○○小の一人外国人として、僕はもちろん「英語番」でしたから司会の役をして、英語で他の先生達の「ウォター・ボイズ・ショー」を紹介した。後で、ウォター・ボイズ達が踊りながら、The Plattersの「Only You (and You Alone)」を歌いました。曲がちょっと間違えましたが英語だったから誰も分からなかったので問題なかった。ちこっと恥ずかしかったが楽しかったし、お客さんと新婦・新郎が笑っちゃったから良かったと思う。

結婚式をはじめ、6時間くらいをかかりましたからかなり長かったけど（この日記みたいね）、全面的に楽しい日曜日だした。

家に帰った時に、奥さんに僕の風邪うつっちゃったみたい。僕もまだ風邪ひいているけど、僕の方が元気だから、僕が看病する番だ。いつも奥さんに世話になっているから、ちょっとでも逆に僕が世話してあげられたら嬉しい。：）

コメントを書きたいなら下へ・ホーム・メール
========================================

Apologies for the pun to all you Radiohead fans, but I went to a wedding yesterday and've had that title running around in my head all day. ;)

In anycase, my cold finally started to get better on Saturday night, so I was able to go to Mr. H's wedding yesterday afternoon. Including my own, this was what...like the 5th or 6th wedding I've been to in Japan, and as usual, the following went just as I expected it to:

1) At 12,000 yen (about US $100), expensive. For those of you outside Japan, it's slightly different on this side of the pond in that as a guest to somebody's wedding reception, you're expected to pay and help the happy couple cover the costs of the gig. While this is still ridiculously cheap compared to down in Honshu or the rest of Japan where you're looking at a minimum of 30,000 yen (for acquaintances, that is...expected amounts go up the closer you are to the couple) to get in the door, it's a little pricey for Hokkaido - where it's normally a set price between 6,000 and 10,000 for everybody. Well, that and there's the whole "I'm not used to having to pay to go to a wedding" thing.

2) Half the men there were wearing white socks with their dark suits. Of this group, probably about half were in their 50's or above and probably don't give a shit anyway, but that still leaves like 25% of the guys in their 20's & 30's! I don't wanna be Mr. Fashion Police, but WTF is wrong with these people? Do they not realize how bad this looks? Yes, Japanese fashion does boggle the mind at times.

3) During the reception, the bride & groom changed clothes once. When they first came in they were in the same get up as the ceremony, then midway came in some sort of Rhet Butler-Scarlett O'Hara Gone With The Wind tribute get-up. Compared to some of the other weddings I've been to here, they were relatively conservative w/the clothes changing. The record goes to one couple from a few years ago who might as well've just called their reception a fashion show as they changed clothes four different times - tux & wedding dress, then a southern cotillion number, then hakama & kimono, then another Gone With The Wind getup, then something else. Just one question...why? Is this a Japanese thing or just a woman thing? In anycase, I feel sorry for the guys, as it was bad enough at my own wedding trying to put on, then take off a hakama then get into a suit. Oi vey...

4) Too many overly long speeches by way too many people congratulating the happy couple while being listened to by hardly anybody. I realize that this is a part of Japanese culture, especially for old men to get up and have everybody listen to how important what they have to say is, but for God's sake, get to the point & make it short & sweet, people! The bride & groom would like to eventually leave and start their new lives ya know. At least the Vice Principal kept his toast relatively short.

However, other than these 4 points, I was rather pleasantly surprised at a few things this time around.

First off, even though everything was held in a place purposely built so couples can have a "western-style" wedding with all the bells and whistles, including a totally fabricated church and pastor who's no doubt not even Christian (hey, it's Japan...I guess it's not really supposed to make sense to foreign barbarians like me), the chapel where they had the actual ceremony was really nice. They had actual church pews (been a while since I've sat in one o' those) and a gorgeous stained glass window above the altar, and they played the wedding march on a full-on actual church organ with an accompanying flutist dressed in altar robes. Pretty much the only thing missing to let you in on the fact that you weren't in a real church was the lack of a bible and hymnal in front of every pew seat.

After the ceremony, there was a rose petal flower shower for the bride & groom (no rice showers here...at 40 bucks for 10kg bag, the shit's too expensive) which just smelled absolutely amazing, but the only drawback was the music accompanying it..."The Ballad of John & Yoko". Sure I guess you could technically call it a wedding song, and maybe it's just me, but there seems something seriously wrong about hearing, "They're gonna crucify me!" over & over in the chorus inside a supposed "church". Oh well, I'm probably the only one there who could actually understand the song anyway, so no harm, no foul, I guess.

Following this was the big reception just down the hall in the same building. Really cool room with high vaulted ceilings and brick & mahogany architecture that made it feel like some sorta posh restaurant in the basement of an old European building.

Once the bride & groom said their thank you's to everybody for coming, everyone and their dog had wished the happy couple well and the cake was cut, the servers swarmed the tables and dinner was served.

Oh boy, was it served...and not just any old left over dried up roast beef slapped on a plate either. This was a full-on 7 course French spread baby, consisting of, according to the fancy little menu provided:

Amuse-Bouche (preliminary palette freshener)
Fricasseed mushrooms in puff pastry

Hors d'oeurve
Sea perch carpaccio with caviar

Soupe
Sea bream & vegetable consomme

Poisson (fish course)
Red sea bream with pailette (cheese straw made from puff pastry & Parmesan), Iberian
pork sausage and sauce pour rouge (not sure what it was, but tasty, nonetheless)

Granite (secondary palette freshener)
Orange & cranberry sherbet

Viande (meat course)
Pork loin medallions with Parmesan, sauteed snow peas and rough mashed potatoes with
essence of apple.

Dessert
Chocolate fudge soufflé with vanilla ice cream and strawberry sauce, wedding cake

Pain et Cafe
Homemade bread and coffee

Ahh...it's a tough existence I lead. *grin* Jealous yet? I know M sure was when I got home and told her. ;)

There was a full spread of silverware laid out as well, and while the guys at my table sorta panicked at first, they did really well, even asking the staff which fork or spoon to use next when they didn't know. Only Mr. K (the guy I coach little league baseball with) pretty much gave up and used his chopsticks for everything other than desert while moaning about how he'd rather be eating rice & something more Japanese.

In anycase, I know up until this point I've bitched and moaned about how expensive Japanese weddings are, but this was honestly the first time I've felt it was almost worth it. Hell, you'd probably pay a lot more than 12,000 yen for a meal like this in nice French restaurant so I guess I can't complain that much.

The entertainment wasn't that shabby either. The New Mrs. H is a junior high school music teacher and graced all of us with a solo performance of "Ave Maria" and a few of her friends put together a little ensemble on piano and a few melodicas.

The groom's friends (namely those of us from ○○ Elementary) also had an act, but ours was decidedly a bit more low brow...

As the only foreigner at work, I of course had to do something in English, so I came out to the Blues Brothers' theme and acted as the MC, working up the crowd. On my mark, I introduced the other teachers, who bust in to the room wearing nothing but skin tight swim trunks, goggles and swim caps, and proceeded to do a synchronized swimming routine reminiscent of Water Boys. Sometime after this, I sang "Only You" by The Platters to the happy couple in the most god-awful cheeziest voice I could conjure up while the other teachers did their synchronized swimming routine. I actually messed up the lyrics a bit, but nobody in the room other than me understood English so no biggie, I guess.

At nearly 6 hours from start to finish, including the ceremony and reception, it was defo a long day, but overall, one of the best weddings I've been to in a while and certainly not a bad way to spend an otherwise cold Sunday afternoon.

The only sorta downer of the day was when I got home and it turned out that M had uncharacteristically picked up my cold (she almost never gets sick when I do). Even though we're both sick now, seeing as how I'm feeling slightly better, looks like it's my turn to play nurse for a bit. Not like I mind though...she always takes good care of me, so it's nice to return the favor every now & then.

Ah, the ups & downs o' marriage, eh?

Top ・Mail me!

おばあちゃんはファンキーになる・ Granny Gets Jiggy Wid It

2007-02-10T23:34:00.000+09:00

ごめんね・・・これは面白すぎるから我慢できなかった。そして初YouTubeのリンク！やった！

Sorry...this is too good that couldn't help myself & had to share. And hey, it's my first ever YouTube link! Woohoo! (wonder how long it'll be till I get a DMCA nastygram over this one...)

Thanks to Joi Ito's Vox blog for this one!

Some Love For The English Speakers Out There

2007-02-10T10:38:00.000+09:00

I finally realized that scrolling down to each English post was a bit of a pain in the ass, so I've added page jumps for all the longer bilingual posts.

For the few people that actually read this thing, sorry 'bout that :( I promise it won't happen again.

日本では無理でしょう / This'd Never Work In Japan

2007-02-10T10:00:00.000+09:00

English below...

まぐれで、今朝、del.icio.usで「Open Loops」と言う面白いブログを見つけた。

恐らく、夜遅くまで残業をすることより午前中集中的に働くことの方が効果的だそうです。

アメリカ人の僕にとってこれは当然だ。何回も「何で日本人はそんな残業をするか？」と思った。日本では「無駄は駄目！」をよく聞きますが仕事ができたら、課長や部長や社長が帰るまで働かなきゃは無駄じゃない？

やっぱり日本とアメリカのビジネス文化は全然違うから日本ではこれはあり得ないでしょう？

Just by dumb luck this morning, I ran across an interesting blog called Open Loops via del.icio.us.

According to the guy who writes it, supposedly focusing all your energy on getting tasks done during the morning is a lot more effective than putting in overtime till all hours of the night.

Now, to me as an American, this seems only logical. I don't know how many times I've wondered, "Why the hell do so many Japanese put in so much overtime?" There's always so much emphasis in Japan about 'cutting out waste' but if you've finished your work, yet can't go home until the boss leaves isn't that a form of "waste"?

I guess that business culture in Japan & the US are just two entirely different animals and that this line of thought would never work here, right?

I still have a cold & Joi Ito doesn't like me :(

2007-02-10T09:03:00.000+09:00

ごめんね・・・今回は英語のみですorz

Well, day 3 of the Great Cold o' 2007 began when I woke up at 6:30AM this morning. Just, "BAM" eyes open, I'm up and proceed to cough up half a lung. Such a lovely image, huh? Thank you Jesus for sweet, sweet Thera-Flu & NyQuil and for relatives that'll send the stuff to me from across the pond seeing as I can't get the stuff here. Supposedly it's somewhat illegal since it could technically be used to set up a meth lab or something. Ooohhh...guess I'm committing yet another "unspeakable foreign crime"!

In anycase, Joi Ito is one of my favorite bloggers, a big jet set tech guru, pals with the folks over at BoingBoing and even if he is a vegan *grin*, one of my idols. This guy is a true self-made businessman, the kinda person I'd really like to be one o' these days...but I get the idea that he doesn't really care for me too much.

Turns out that Joi's spoken out about the whole expose on unspeakable foreign crimes flap as well, so I figured I'd leave a comment on his site. Nothing nasty or anything, just saying that I really appreciated someone as influential as him speaking out about it, and wondering if he could possibly get BoingBoing to cover it as well.

Guess he didn't appreciate it or something, as comments to his site are all moderated and mine was rejected. Oops.

Throw me a bone here, Joi...what'd I do wrong?

ファミリー・マートへ、ようこそ！ / Howzit Hangin' There Family Mart?

2007-02-09T14:24:00.000+09:00

English below...

奇蹟の復興を遂げなくて、まだ具合が悪いのに、今朝ちゃんと学校に行きました・・・

・・・が

すぐ「今日の授業は来週ができるから帰りなさい！」と言われちゃったから今日もまだ風邪、また休みました。仕方がないけど、楽しい3連休に「バイバイ！」と言った方がいいかな。

とにかく、30分前くらい、サイトメータのアカウントをチェックした時に面白いデータを見つけた：

Domain Name: Unknown
IP Address: ***.***.***.# (FamilyMart Co., Ltd)
Time of Visit: Feb 9, 2007 2:14PM
Referring URL: (長いリンクだからここをクリックしてください)

そしてその前、

Domain Name: Unkown
IP Address: ***.***.***.# (FamilyMart Co., Ltd)
Time of Visit: Feb 9, 2007 11:43AM
Referring URL: (長いリンクだからここをクリックしてください)

問題です：　＊チャージャッ＊

第一問) 何でファミリー・マートは「外人犯罪」と「外人犯罪裏ファイル」を検索している？
第二問) 何で僕のブログを読んでいる？
第三問) 何でコメントを書いてくれなかった？ ;)

でも冗談抜きには、ボイコットの脅威が分かったから、ファミリー・マートは自主的に「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル2007」の販売を中止した。かれらは「このずうずうしい外人達は本当にボイコットをするかはったりを言っているか？」と思って、確認しているかな？さあね・・・さっぱり分からないけどファミリー・マートさん、今度少なくてもコメントを書いてください。

そうですね・・・忘れちゃった。このムックはamazon.jpで、まだ販売中だから昨夜「何でこういう風な人種差別的な本を売りたいですか？」のメールを送った。残念ながら僕の日本語能力は足りないし、ちゃんと敬語的な手紙が書けないから英語でメールしましたが今日はお返事が届いた。

「お客様の為にできるだけ幅広いセレクションと色々な観点を提供したい」と答えたから結局販売を続きます。お返事ありがとうございますが納得できない。人種差別は最低だ、そしてそういう風な本を販売している店を応援したくないから、しばらくamazon.jpから何も買わないと思う。

最後に、JapanProbeとJapan Todayと毎日新聞（英語版）によると「外国人犯罪」は2005年度に比べて16.2％に減少したが毎日新聞日本語版の記事はかなり違う見出しがありました。

おーい！毎日新聞！「我々ずうずうし外人」も日本語が読めるよ。

コメントで説明してくれませんか？

Unfortunately I didn't have any kind of miraculous recovery upon waking up this morning and even though I still felt like absolute crap, I still dragged my ass into work...

...where I was promptly told "Um...we can re-schedule your classes for next week. Go home!" So I'm still sick and home once again. Guess I can kiss my funfilled 3-day weekend "bye-bye!"

Anyhoo, looking at my sitemeter account a while ago, I found the most peculiar entries:

Domain Name: Unknown
IP Address: ***.***.***.# (FamilyMart Co., Ltd)
Time of Visit: Feb 9, 2007 2:14PM
Referring URL: (the link is obnoxiously long, so click here)

and previous to that,

Domain Name: Unkown
IP Address: ***.***.***.# (FamilyMart Co., Ltd)
Time of Visit: Feb 9, 2007 11:43AM
Referring URL: (another obnoxiously long link, so click here)

Ok kids, question time.

1) Why is FamilyMart searching for the English equivalent of "foreign crime" and "hidden foreign crime files"?
2) Why is FamilyMart reading my pitiful little blog?
3) Why the hell did FamilyMart not have the common courtesy to at least leave me a comment?

All joking aside, when FamilyMart caught on to the fact that they might be subject to a boycott, they (eventually & supposedly) voluntarily pulled "Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime 2007" from the shelves across Japan. Who knows...maybe they're thinking, "Were those uppity foreigners really gonna boycott us or just pulling our leg?" and decided to find out for themselves. Beats me, but FamilyMart, if you're reading this, leave a friggin' comment next time, huh?

Oh yeah...almost forgot. The magazine is still available on Amazon.jp, so last night I wrote their PR Dept to ask why they would wanna sell a racist publication like this. Unfortunately, my written Japanese isn't quite up to the level of writing such a formal letter, so I banged a mail out in English, pressed "send" and hoped for the best (although I didn't really have very high expectations).

To my astonishment, I actually gotta mail back today from Amazon.jp in exceedingly good English...but stating that:

"As a retailer, our goal is to provide customers with the broadest
selection possible so they can find, discover, and buy any item
they might be seeking. That selection includes some items which
many people may find objectionable. Therefore, the items offered
on our web site represent a wide spectrum of opinions on a
variety of topics." Blah, blah, blah...

Well, thanks for the mail, but sorry guys...that doesn't quite cut it. Racism & discrimination plain ol' suck, and I don't particularly care to support a business that sells stuff like that. Guess it'll be a while before I buy anything on Amazon for a while.

Last but not least, I ran across a story on Japan Probe, Japan Today and the Mainichi Daily News (the English version of the Mainichi Shinbun) about how "foreign crime has diminished slightly over 16% from FY2005). Interesting timing on this one, eh?

Oh, but wait a tic...

On the Japanese version of Mainichi Shinbun, the headline is a whole lot different, i.e. it reads, "Foreign Crime: Increase In Outlying Areas, Chubu Area Sees Rates 35 Times Higher Than They Were 15 Years Ago".

WTF!? Wonder why this little gem didn't get put in the English edition...

Hey Mainichi Shinbun! Some of us dirty, uppity foreigners can read Japanese too, ya know...

Care to leave a comment and explain?

「迷惑マン」と呼んでください / Being A Pain In The Ass To Others Is My Specialty

2007-02-08T10:57:00.000+09:00

English below...

嫌だ。去年、肺炎になった時に比べるとそんなに悪くないけど本格的な風邪をひいちゃった。畜生。

小学児童は本当に「小さい黴菌とウィルス工場」だから最近、学校で風邪やインフルエンザがすごく流行っている。そして月・火曜日、吹雪の中にスキー学習に行くことはバッド・アイディアだったかもしれない。

やっぱり、今回は僕の番だ。きっと、スキー学習の文句を言ったからかな。

昨日、昼くらいから調子はどんどん悪くなりましたから今日は休んでいる。学校もスキー学習も。

何でアジアにいる間にこんなに風邪をひくかな？毎日何回もちゃんと手を洗ったり、うがいをしますがあまり意味ないみたい。アジアのウィルスはそんなにちがう？僕の免疫系はそんなに弱い？

奥さんによると、日本では風邪をひくことは「迷惑」です。ちゃんと体を気をつけないと周りの人に迷惑を掛けてしまう。休んだら、職場の同僚、奥さんに迷惑を掛ける。休まないと仕事の同僚と子ども達は僕の風邪をひいて、迷惑を掛ける。

厳しいな、日本。

よく頑張っても迷惑を掛けるしか出来ないみたい。どうしてもうまくできない状態だ。

とにかく、金曜日に欠かせない授業があるから、とりあえず、風邪薬を飲んだり、沢山寝たり、成功を祈ることしかないみない。

Ugh. While it's not nearly as bad as my bout of pneumonia from last year, I've defo gotta full on cold. Crap.

Little kids are pretty much tiny bacteria & virus factories, so colds and the flu have really been going around lately. That, and going skiing w/ the kids on Monday and Tuesday in the middle of blizzards both days probably didn't help much either, so I guess it's only natural that it was my turn to get sick (well...bitching about going skiing no doubt knocked a few points off my karma level, too).

Ya know how sometimes you can feel a cold coming on? Well, that started around noon yesterday and picked up steam from there. As a result, I'm home sick today, i.e. no ski lessons
and no school.

Why the hell does it seem like I'm constantly sick whenever I'm in Asia? I wash my hands multiple times a day and gargle whenever I get home, but its like it makes no difference. I was never like this back in the states. Are the viruses here that much different or is my immune system really that weak?

According to my wife, the Japanese consider a cold as meiwaku, or "causing others to be inconvenienced" which is a big social taboo here. In a group-based society like Japan (as compared to an individualistic society like the US) I can see the reasoning behind this way of thinking, but supposedly, no matter what the case, it's your own damn fault if you get sick. Because people who "take care of themselves" never get colds. Yeah right.

If I take the day off to try and get better, I cause trouble for both my wife and the people I work with (regardless of whether I have classes or not). If I try to drag my ass into work, I cause trouble by possibly getting even more sick and infecting my co-workers and the kids. Seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to stay healthy, the only thing I can do is end up being a pain in the ass to those around me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

In anycase, seeing as I've got classes on Friday that I can't miss and a wedding to attend on Sunday, guess the only thing I can do is take my cold medicine (thanks M&D for the Thera-Flu & NyQuil!), sleep and hope I somehow feel better in the next 20 or so hours. *shrug*

So...tired. Must...sleep.... / ちかれた・・・倒れ・・・そう・・・

2007-02-06T23:17:00.000+09:00

日本語しか読めないみなさんへ、

すみませんが昨日と今日のスキー学習のせいで日本語の日記を書くエネルギーがないから許してください。orz

Ugh. Yesterday & today I went skiing with 5th & 6th graders for their ski lessons and hoo boy am I feelin' it. I seriously doubt if I'm gonna be able to move in the morning. Oh well...at least I don't have to go skiing again until Thursday.

WTF? When did I get to the point where I'm bitching about being paid to go skiing w/ a bunch of kids? How sad am I?

In other news, looks like the whole "Hidden Foreign Crime Files" flap has gotten more attention from the rest of the world, including a few articles in The Times (London) (as well as the now pissed off gaijin population in general), and as a result, FamilyMart's finally agreed to immediately pull this little hate speech mook from it's shelves. Huzzah for social activism!

Now if BoingBoing'll only pick up on my submission about the story... C'mon guys! Pick up on this story while it's still hot and before more British journalists write it off as nothing more than a shit-job journalism example of Japanese penis envy! ;)

BTW, Happy Waitangi Day to all you Kiwis!

コメントお願いします！ / Um, comments please?

2007-02-05T22:12:00.000+09:00

Sitemeterのアカウントによると、最近世界中の人たちが僕のブログを見てくれましたからありがとうがいます！

According to my Sitemeter account, there's been people viewing this page left & right from all over the globe, so first off, thanks!

しかし、コメントを書いてくれる人はすごく少ない・・・

However, so far, there's only been like 2 people that've left comments...

だから是非、コメントを書いてください！僕の書いたことを反対？賛成？面白い？つまらない？英語か日本語が多すぎる？教えてよ！

So please...leave me some comments! Are you for or against what I'm saying? Is it entertaining/interesting or boring? Too much Japanese or English? Lemme know!

ありがとうございます！

Thanks!

「外人犯罪裏ファイル」の最新情報 / "Unspeakable Foreign Crime Files Update"

2007-02-04T23:16:00.000+09:00

やった！ガーディアンと言うイギリス有力紙のウェブサイトで「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル2007」についての記事を載っています！

是非、http://www.guardian.co.uk/japan/story/0,,2004646,00.html　をチェックして見てください！

Sweet! This story's gone global, baby! As of yesterday, there's a piece in The Guardian (fairly influential British newspaper) that does a fairly balanced take on the "Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime 2007" story. If you get a chance, make sure to check it out!

Man, if somebody ever decides that they wanna get the foreign population of Japan in a snit, this'd be a great case study...

Because When I Think "Tasty!", I Think of Chocolate, Shrimp & Asse

2007-02-02T14:54:00.000+09:00

How's that for a marketing campaign?

Yesterday when I was on my witch hunt for unspeakable tales of foreign crime, I just happened to see this piled high on a convenience store shelf...

In case you can't read it, yes...that is a container full of chocolate covered shrimp crackers. They even made the chocolate a bit salty to complement the taste of the shrimp crackers (what...you think I could make up shit like this?). Two great tastes that taste great together, I guess...IN FRIGGIN' BIZARRO WORLD.

Oh, wait a tic...this is Japan...never mind.

I guess it could turn out to be pretty tasty, but as this is wrong on so many levels, I just haven't had the courage to try 'em yet. Fear not tho, I'll keep ya updated whenever I finally do.

In anycase, supposedly if a product is a hit here in Hokkaido, it'll go over well nationwide, and if it fails, well, y'aint gonna be seeing it in Tokyo anytime soon (hopefully these chocolate salty shrimp crackers too, will soon go the way of the buffalo like their predecessors BBQ lamb & beer flavored caramel - although why horse sushi ice cream is still around is beyond me). Kinda makes me feel special to be a guinea pig...er, part of such a distinguished and highly selective demographic, rather.

While we do occasionally get the short end of the "what kind of disgusting combination can we come up with this time?" stick, they do get it right every now & then. Such examples would include "Cherry blossom", cherry, sweet bean (sounds bad, tastes good), banana, choco-banana, apple, cantaloupe, and passion fruit flavored Kit Kat.

My favorite one that passed the fine palettes of Hokkaido though, would have to be Asse.

Ok, well technically it's pronounced "Ah-say", but the spelling's close enough. I tell ya...there's nothing better than a fine piece of Asse, and the possibilities here are just endless.

New Toys!

2007-02-01T23:26:00.000+09:00

Thanks to Coal over at Libation Kowloon, I've picked up a swank new little toy!

Ever wonder what you're about to go when clicking on a link? With this free Java plug-in called Snap! it gives a little preview of any external links so that you can see exactly where you're headed. Yay! No more goatses or tub girls spoiling a perfectly nice browsing session (notice how I did NOT put links on those)! Pretty neat, huh?

One quick disclaimer: If you're using a script blocker like NoScript for Firefox, you'll need to enable www.snap.com to get it to work.

ちょっと落ち着いて、考え見ると / Now That I've Calmed Down A Bit...

2007-02-01T22:14:00.000+09:00

English below, 'cause it's too much of a pain in the ass to think of what I wanna say in English first...

先のポストが出来た後、正直に怒っていた。そして5分くらい前、有道出人（あるどうでびと）さんのブログで、またひどい漫画を見つけた。去年の件ですが、さぁね・・・

しかし、もう怒っていないです。ちょっとイライラしているけど怒っていない。理由は二つ：

1)　近くのコンビニ探しに行ったら、ありがたいことに「驚愕の外人犯罪裏ファイル―外人犯罪白書2007」がなかった。

2)　きっと、こういう風な雑誌・漫画・本をよく読む人はキモイな「白い靴下と黒スーツ」を着る、完全にsheeple（従順で自分の意見がなく大勢に従う人々）だ。

・・・と信じたい。人種差別は最低だね。

To be perfectly honest, after my last post I was pretty livid. Then not 5 minutes ago, I found another nasty little comic over at Debito Arudo's blog. It was from last year, but still...

In the spirit of trying to keep my blood pressure from skyrocketing any further though, I'm not mad anymore. A bit annoyed, yes. Pissed off, no, and for 2 reasons:

1) I went to all of the local convenience stores (well, all 3 in Tohma, in anycase) tonight after practice, and thankfully none of 'em had any copies of "Hidden Files of Unspeakable Foreign Crime 2007".

2) Surely, the only people buying magazines/comics/books like this are bottom of the barrel of society rejects that probably wear white socks with black suits and are total sheeple.

...or at least I really want to believe that.

Man, racism sucks big ol' donkey dicks.

ふざけてるんでしょう？ / You've gotta be kidding me...

2007-02-01T13:39:00.000+09:00

No doubt slightly different English rant below...

今日は膝の怪我について日記を書きたかったがミクシィ経由にて「外人犯罪裏ファイル」についての日
記を見つけた・・・

全国のコンビ二で今発売中

・・・勘弁してくれよ。

日本は大好きだけどこの「我々島国日本人」と「外人＝犯罪や社会問題」の考え方は信じられないほどムカツクです。もちろん、アメリカや他の国でも人種問題がありますし、人種差別主義者もいるけど殆どの国でこういう風な雑誌は許さないことじゃない？それより許せない。

もう一つの問題は、この雑誌に載っている記事は大体欧米人について、何も書いていないのに、「外人」と言う言葉を聞くと日本人のイメージは何でしょうか？中国人？違う。在日韓国人？ブブー。黒人と白人でしょう？この考え方はすごく危ないですが日本では普通みたい。

鎖国時代は150年前に終わりましたよ。好きかどうかかかわらず、2007年の人間は国際社会です。一番心をかき乱すようなことは要望がなければコンビニや本屋さんの発売ができないはず。言いづらいですが僕の日本人友達も、僕の「外人さ」は関係ないと思ったのに、本当にそういう風に考えていますか？

すごく少ないですが、たまに「何でここに住みたい？」と思う。

日本人の皆さんは今「Hillbillyさん・・・ただ考え過ぎているだろ。」と思っているかもしれないですが逆だったらどうですか？

I was gonna write about my bum knee today, but that's sorta been put on hold. Thanks to Coal at Mixi, I found an article here & here describing a new "expose" on the "foreign crime wave" currently happening in Japan.

(translation: "The Hidden Foreign Crime Files")

Yes, this is now on sale at convenience & book stores throughout Japan.

Give me a fucking break...

I love Japan (why would I choose to live here for the last 7 years otherwise?), but this whole "We, the island bound Japanese race" and "foreigner = crime and social problems" mind set pisses me off to no end. Sure, America and other countries have their own racial problems and you're gonna find a few racist assholes no matter where you go, but I would think that in most countries that finding this kind of thing in a convenience store magazine rack would be unthinkable, not to mention illegal for the overall hate speech tones. Oh yeah, that's right...Japan is a "homogeneous and genetically pure society" so it has no need for any laws against discrimination.

The other problem I see with this is that while they never really mention Americans, Canadians, Brits, Aussies, Kiwis or any citizens of the supposed "good", i.e. mainly white countries, what is the typical image of a "foreigner" to most Japanese? Chinese? Nope. Koreans with permanent residence in Japan? Huh uh...they're Asian, so their Japanese, right? Blacks & whites? You sir win the $64 prize! This kind of thinking is just dangerous, but seems to be the status quo in Japan.

Somewhat similar to rednecks in the US and the whole Civil War thing, Japan's period when it shut itself off from the rest of the world is over. Like 150 years ago over, guys. Regardless of whether you like it or not, we live in an international society, so get over it. What's most disturbing to me is that this kind of bullshit wouldn't even get shelf space in convenience & book stores if there wasn't a demand for it, right? I hate to say it, but is this the way my Japanese friends really feel? The ones I thought looked past my "foreignness" and became friends with me because of the person I am?

It doesn't happen very often, but every now & then (like right now), there're times when I really have to ask myself, "Why the hell do I want to live in a country like this?"

Sure, some of you are probably thinking, "Hillbilly...you're being paranoid", but how would you feel if you were Japanese and something like this about "Nip Criminals Terrorize America" came out in the US?

OKI Kicks Ass

2007-01-31T10:46:00.000+09:00

日本語しか読めない方へ、すみませんが今回の日記はとりあえず英語だけ。後で、時間があったら日本語版もかくかもしれない。ごめんね。orz

Last night M & I went down to Asahikawa to see the final show on OKI's Ainu Dub Band Japan tour, and man, what a great show. I'd only seen him do acoustic sets before, so it was a first for me to see him with a full on band and dub set.

Defo a different crowd, too. The two times we saw him play before were both at the Kawamura Ainu Village, which is more of a museum w/ a performance space. The crowd there is normally a quieter mix of young & old alike (especially little old Ainu ladies who do upopo), with only a few hippies/groupies that normally show up and attract more attention than whoever's on stage. Don't get me wrong now...more power to 'em I say. Their own version of public interpretive dance actually takes the emphasis off me as usually the only foreign barbarian in the house, so groove on there, Moonbeam. In anycase, seeing as the show was in a full on club, definitely a younger crowd last night, with a big contingent of groupies and most people there packed in & heads bobbin'. Surprisingly enough, a few biddies showed up, but were none too pleased that there wasn't anywhere for 'em to sit, as one lady was all too willing to share with us prior to the show starting. Interesting moment o' the evening: we were making our way into stage area when we passed one of the Ainu elders that I've seen several times at the previous shows. She looks at me for a second, turns away, then does a full on double take, with this look of "Wait a tic...I don't know any gaijin! Why do I know you?" written all over her face. "Have we met before?" she asks, and I say, "Um, yeah. You've probably seen me over at the Ainu museum." She replies, "Oh. I guess we have met then." and shuffles off mumbling something else that neither M or I can figure out. Ohhhkay.

Anyhoo, the show starts about 20 minutes late, and when OKI and the band walk on the stage, the groupies pretty much went wild. While, like I mentioned before, it was a total kick ass show, the first song was just sorta...well, odd. As the band was tuning their instruments, this kinda weird, trippy, dreamy number with bits of upopo chanting by Umeko Ando was playing at full volume, and it seemed like the entire crowd did a bit of a collective "huh?". It was also echo-y as all hell, and I know that dub uses a shit-load of reverb, but maybe it was just a skosh too much. Once they got tuned up and into the first set though, things picked up and everybody started to build up a bit of steam. One of the best songs was a totally trippy piece that sounded like drum & base/tribal, but without the use of any synths or sound boards and really showed off how good the drummer, Takashi Numazawa, really is. The whole crowd just sorta stood there with their mouths open watching this guy go to town. Yes, he's that good, so if you ever get a chance to see him, don't walk, run!

After a quick break, they started the second set and it turned out to be the best part of the show by far. For one of the opening numbers, OKI was playing the mukkuri, a bamboo jew's harp and swear to God it sounded like it was coming straight off a mixing board. After that the drums and base kicked in and man, the place was jumping.

The band finished their second set, but the crowd wouldn't let 'em off that easy, and they came back for an extended encore w/ OKI on the bass instead of the tonkori. By the time they got to the 3rd song of the encore, it seemed like they were just getting started and the crowd was eating it up, but a) thanks to my bum knee, my entire right leg hurt like a bitch and b) I had to be at work at 8AM this morning, so we cut out a bit early.

Of course, we couldn't just leave empty handed, so on the way out, we figured we'd pick up one of the CDs they were selling...but went a little overboard and bought 3...and a sticker for my snowboard. Oh well at least they threw in a few extra stickers for free.

And how do you top off such a big night out like this? Why, a classy drive-through stop at Micky D's of course! Hey, it was one of the only places open at 11:30. Come to think of it, last night may be the first time I've ever gone through a pick-up window in Japan. Well, there's one more thing to cross off the "to do in Japan" list.

ゴルデン・ウィークの思い出 / Oh Yeah, That Whole Golden Week Thing From 2 Years Ago...

2007-01-27T02:13:00.000+09:00

Slightly different (& no doubt longer) English version below:

今日、タバコ部屋で休憩した時に「今年のゴルデン・ウィークはどうかな～？2日間の年休を使ったらまた11連休ができる？」と思って、カレンダーを調べた。

駄目だ。まぁ・・・しょうがないっすね。

とにかく、GWについて考えたら、2年前のGWを思い出した。親友（博士君）と一緒に5日間の道内キャンプ旅行をしました。

出発前に、「あっ！これについて日記を書かなきゃいけないね！そしてPSPがあるから毎日日記の更新ができる！」

ハハハハハハ！可笑しいべさ！

以下の理由で結局できなかった：

1) 道東は殆ど田舎だから無線LANは殆どない（特に私たちにいた所）。
2) PSPのテキスト入力はすごくうんざりさせること。「だって、楽しそうですね！やりたい！」と言う人がいれば、自分の為にあきらめた方がいいっすよ。ドMな人へ、どうぞ。
3) 親友は運転ができないから僕は1000キロ以上、全部一人で運転した。

どうせ、2年前のことだから100％覚えてないけど、これくらい日程でした（間違えたや変な日本語を許してください）：

1日目：札幌～新冠。温かくて、いい天気！出発！やった！最高の旅が始まったぜ！新冠のキャンプ場でキャンプした。夜は寒かったから二人でJack Danielsの500mlを全部飲んじゃった。よく寝た。

2日目：新冠～虫類。ちょっと涼しかったけど晴れていた。ありがたいことに二日酔いなし。道の駅で「おっぱい餅」を見つけた。えりも岬。綺麗な海岸。虫類のキャンプ場でキャンプした。1日目の夜に比べてそんなに寒くなかったからビール3本しか飲まなかった。深夜にキツネの泣き声を聞いた。「だれが殺されている」みたい。

3日目：虫類～屈斜路湖。天気はどんどん悪くなるみたい。弟子屈で迷っちゃった。やっと屈斜路湖のキャンプ場を見つけた。やっぱり天気はヤバイ。弟子屈に戻って、3ℓ「大五郎」と晩ご飯を買って、キャンプ場に戻った。土砂降りの雨、寒くて死にそうので大五郎ガブガブ飲みました。カキとみかんを焼いた（大五郎のせい）。ずぶぬれになった。「あ、そうっか・・・これが地獄だ。思ったより寒い」と思った。酔ってヨロヨロして、偶然に天然露天風呂を見つけた。「ありがとう、神様！」と思った。テントまで酔ってヨロヨロして戻った。よく眠れなかった。

4日目：屈斜路湖～当麻。長～い一日でした。寒かった。朝5時半で隣のテントのファミリたちはすごくうるさかったから起きちゃった。二日酔いがひどかった。「静かにしてもらえませんか！？」と叫んだ。チョコットだけ静かになった。テントから出て、トイレの方に向かって、うるさいファミリを見ながら「迷惑！」と言った。うるさいファミリはすぐ黙って、テントの中に逃げた。摩周湖（二日酔いだったのにすごく綺麗だった）。硫黄山で間欠泉に顔を熱傷した。楽しくなかった。屋台のおじさんから「おい！外人さん！たまごを買ってくれませんか？」に声をかけられた。「結構、日本人さん！」と答えた。オホーツク海を見た。大雪山で雪が降った。冬タイヤじゃなかったからちょっと怖かった。当麻のキャンプ場でキャンプした。アホだから池に落ちた（後で、奥さんを電話した時に、笑われた）。ありがたいことに、キャンプ場から500mくらいの温泉がありました。その夜、－1℃になった。また寒くて死にそうだった。

5日目：当麻～札幌～滝川（あの時に住んでいた町）。上川支庁で迷っちゃった。幌加内道の駅が見つからなかった。博士君を札幌のアパートで降ろして、「じゃね」と言って、滝川に帰った。

学んだこと：

1) 本当の友達だったら、ほぼ一週間ずーと密着なのに、喧嘩しない（注意：これは僕の意見です。博士君は違うことと思うかもしれない）。
2) 道東は本当に田舎（けどすごく綺麗だ）。
3) 北海道で、ゴルデン・ウィークは絶対キャンピングシーゾンじゃない。この旅は楽しかったけど二度とやりたくない。

I was looking at the calendar today while in the breakroom and thought to myself, "Hmmm...what's Golden Week gonna be like this year? Wonder if I can get 11 days off for the low, low price of 2 holiday days again?"

No such luck. Crap.

One good thing about this exercise in futility is that it jogged my memory about Golden Week a few years ago and the big camping trip around Hokkaido with my best friend Boy Doctor.

At the time, I'd just started this blog, and thought, "Hey! I can make entries on the road on my PSP! That'll be so cool!"

HA HA HA! Oh boy, do I crack myself up sometimes.

In the end, that didn't quite happen for the following reasons:

1) There's a whole lotta nothing in eastern Hokkaido, and thus a decided lack of wireless access points.
2) Text entry on a PSP is a complete and total pain in the ass. If you're a real masochist tho, be my guest.
3) Since Boy Doctor doesn't have a drivers license, I ended up driving the entire 1000 some odd kilometers over a span of 5 days, so I don't think I really woulda been up to it in the first place.

Yeah, it's now 2 years later, but I'm feeling all nostalgic, so here's the long overdue run-down:

Day 1: Sapporo-Niikappu. It's actually warm weather! In May! In Hokkaido! Woohoo! Bit nippy at night, so we polish off a fifth of Jack Daniels between us. I sleep well.

Day 2: Niikapu-Churui. Not bad weather. Bit cooler than yesterday, but still sunny. We find rice cakes in the shape of boobies at a rest area gift shop. Cape Erimo. Gorgeous coastline. We camp in Churui, just south of Obihiro. Not quite as cold as last night, so I only have 3 beers. A fox comes within a few meters of our campsite. We chase it away as neither of us really want rabies. I awaken in the middle of the night to fox calls, which sound like somebody being killed.

Day 3: Churui-Lake Kussharo. Uh oh...weather looks like it might turn on us. We get lost in Teshikaga, but finally manage to find the lake. Oh crap. It's cold, windy as hell, and it's about to rain. Run back to Teshikaga to buy dinner and a 3 liter bottle of "Dai Goro", the cheapest shochu (think rubbing alcohol) we can find, then haul ass back to camp. It is now absolutely pissing down actual cats & dogs in biblical proportions and I'm freezing my ass off and miserable. "Ah...so this is what hell is like? It's much colder than I figured it'd be." We proceed to down 3 liters of rubbing alcohol in the hopes of somehow keeping warm while I stand in the rain barbeqeuing oysters and mandarin oranges. Yes, that would be the alco-mahol's fault. We drunkenly stumble along the shoreline and by total
dumb luck find a natural outdoor hot spring. "Thank you, Jesus!" I manage to get my body temperature somewhere above 30C and we stumble back to our tents. I do not sleep well.

Day 4: Lake Kusharo-Tohma. Shit weather & cold. I'm woken up at 5AM by the family in the tent next door. "...and then the dog woke me up!" Hilarious laughter ensues. I am extremely hung over and not pleased in any way, shape or form, as I yell in Japanese, "Would you PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" They tone it down about 0.000001 decibels. I drag my ass out of my tent and make my way to the bathroom. As I'm walking, death rays are emanating from my eyes directly at obnoxiously loud family and I mutter the equivalent of "Get fucked, assholes." Suddenly they become very quiet and hide in their tent. That's right folks, you do not want to mess w/ Mr. Very Hung Over Ugly Foreigner right now. Somehow my brain eventually starts to work, and while it's still freezing, the sun comes out a bit. Lake Mashuu (the shear beauty of this place alone made me temporarily forget the jackhammers going off in my head. Mt. Io. I stick my head in a geyser and almost burn my face off. Some old guy selling eggs hard-boiled from the local steam vents yells at me, "Oi! Mr. Foreigner! Buy an egg from me!" "Not on your life, Mr. racist Japanese!" We see the Sea of Okhotsk. While crossing the Mt. Taisetsu pass, it starts blizzarding. I do not have on snow tires and somehow safely white knuckle it down the other side. We camp in Tohma. It's sunny, now, but cold. I am an idiot and fall into a pond (of course, when I call M and tell her about this later that night, she laughs mercilessly at my misfortune). Thankfully, there's a hot spring w/in 500 meters of the camp ground and I have one last change of dry clothes, so I don't get pneumonia and die. It gets down to -1C that night, and once again, I almost freeze my ass off. At least it's not raining.

Day 5: Tohma-Sapporo-Takikawa (where I lived at the time). Finally, the weather is a bit nicer. We get lost somewhere in Kamikawa and can't find the Horokonai Michi no Eki. We are very disappointed, as it means that I can't pick up another country sign magnet (I've already picked up 11 on the trip by this point). We get into Sapporo, I drop Boy Doctor off, and we say our farewells with a manly "I'M NOT GAY" 3 pat hug. I drive another 2 hours back up to Takikawa and collapse into a coma.

Things I learned on this trip:

1) If you're really good friends, you don't necessarily have to get on each others nerves, even after being cooped up in a jeep traveling around WoopWoop, Eastern Hokkaido for 5 days. (NOTE: This is my personal opinion, and may not necessarily be shared by Boy Doctor)
2) There's a lotta nothin' in Eastern Hokkaido, but it shur is purty.
3) Golden Week is most assuredly not the best time to go camping in Hokkaido (that would be the approximately only 3 absolutely perfect days of the year in June). I had a blast, but sure as hell don't wanna do it again.

R.I.P. 巨乳

2007-01-25T08:42:00.000+09:00

(English below)

ミクシィから来たの皆様へ、

もしかして、「あらっ？「巨乳」のアバター（写真）はどこに行った？」と思っている？

実は、色々な方から「その「巨乳」の写真は面白いよ！」、「それ見たときに爆笑した！」などのコメントをもらいましたが、最近、奥さんは「Hillbilly君、その巨乳の写真は嫌だよ！セクハラだから早く変えてくれ！」

そのアバターが大好きで（実はこのブログの「About Me」の違うところでまだ使っています）、すごく面白いと思いますが、生意気な写真のために夫婦喧嘩をしたくないので、結局変えました。

「巨乳小渕君」、冥福を祈る。　；）

そして・・・

口をポカーンと開けた田舎者の勉（つとむ）へようこそ！

Up until now, I've used this pic...

...as the avatar for my Mixi account. Sortuva long story if you don't know much about Japan or read the language, but I'll give it a go.

First off, check out this Wiki page for a background of the Japanese calendar.

Still with me? No falling asleep and drooling all over the desk now...I am a teacher after all, and will not allow that sort of behavior! *grin*

So in any case, this pic was taken when they held a big press conference to announce the name of the current era, Heisei, back in 1989, and what was originally written on the card this dude is holding up. Lovely, that's nice, but you're probably asking yourself, "Um...where the hell is he going with this?"

Well, in the last oh, 10 years or so, Japanese women appearing on TV and in print with obnoxiously large hooters have spread like wildfire. Not to be un-PC or anything, but in general, Japanese women do not historically pack much in the titty department. Either the dirty old men in power put something in the water or a spate of women are having boob jobs. Fairly decent boob jobs at that (not that I'd ever look at anything so salacious, mind you).

There's even a word for this onslaught of in your face mammary glands...kyonyuu, or "giant breasts". This is what's written on the picture, so it truly is the era of big tits in Japan! Long live big tits! Huzzah!

Um...ok. That was just entirely too long and probably way not interesting or funny. I just really wanted to see how many different words I could use instead of "titties". I need help and I realize it, thank you very much.

ANYHOO...so I've used this picture as my avatar on a bunch o' different sites for ages, but my wife doesn't always appreciate my brand of immature, sophomoric and decidedly non-PC humor. On one of the sites where we both have accounts, she finally got fed up with seeing this pic everytime she logged in, and I got an earful, so in the spirit of trying to maintain marital bliss, I did what any self-respecting husband would do...I caved-in like a 100 year old mine in an earthquake and changed it.

Rest in piece, Big Tits...we never knew ya, buddy. ;)

May your successor, "Tsutomu, the Slack-Jawed Japanese Yokel" do what you never could.

Nothing says quality like underwear in a ziploc bag

2007-01-22T14:20:00.000+09:00

This past weekend was nice, but way too short. M & I saw Marie Antoinette & spent entirely too much money on some sorta weird pachinko-esqe Monopoly game Saturday night, with a stop over at a beef bowl place on the way home. Sunday saw us head to UniQlo (the Japanese equivalent of Old Navy), Yoshinoya for more beef bowls, donuts and grocery shopping.

Yes, I've been on a bit of a beef bowl kick lately, and besides, they're finally serving that holiest of holies, wonderful, scrumptious, mad cow disease ridden American beef! Oh thank you God for what I have partaken of. For those of you who've been under a rock or just on the other side of the pond for the last few years, there was a ban on American beef in Japan from 2001 until sometime last year due to the finding of a cow w/ BSE on US soil a few years back. Now keep in mind the following:

a) There's been over 20 instances of mad cow disease in Japan in the mean time (mainly here in Hokkaido) and people are still tripping over themselves to eat ridiculously expensive Japanese beef.
b) Nasty ass, tough, dry Aussie beef flooded the market in the meanwhile. Safe? Maybe. Tasty? Are you kidding me?

I grew up on a ranch, raised and ate my own calf (damn Zuki was tasty!) and know that BSE testing in the states is dodgy at best, but baby, oh baby was I happy to indulge in a little USDA Grade D (suitable for cafeterias & prisons, mind you!) ;)

Anyhoo, where was we...ah yeah, the title of this post. So while we were at UniQlo, I picked up a few...let's just call 'em...male delicates. Yes, I do believe I bought the male equivalent of lingerie. Now before you do a collective, "huh?" lemme explain.

See, living here in the tundra, it gets more than a tit nipply during the winter, so long johns, or as we like to call 'em, "jiji pants" are unfortunately sortuva must. The neat thing is that UniQlo has this really cool body compression/"under armor" -esqe long underwear series that doesn't make me look entirely like a 50 something Japanese retiree and keeps me nice & toasty when I go boarding. Score! They even come individually wrapped in ziploc bags! How cool is that, huh? Even the underwear in Japan is high tech! ;)

And wearing these things? Let's just say that if you can get your hands on some UniQlo "Body Tech" undies, you'll be a) extremely warm and b) slightly confused. Why, dear reader, would one be slightly confused over a long sleeve undershirt? Well, they've got some sort of compression strap thingamajig sewn into the back that automatically pops your chest out. If you ever wanted to know what a cross your heart bra feels like, guys, here's your chance. "Look at my many bulging chest! I'm a manly man!"

The only bad thing about my new skivvies is that they are skin-fucking-tight. In the Hillbilly household, this is not a good thing, as they reveal the location of certain useless male chest nubbies in obscene detail to a certain person (let's call her my wife) who has a fetish for poking said useless male chest nubbies when I least expect it. Ah, but that's a story for another day...

I know just enough to be dangerous

2007-01-22T12:09:00.000+09:00

Ok, so in addition to a) having entirely too much time on my hands today and b) giving out the address to this site all willy nilly across the Internet, I thought it'd be just a swell idea to link my Mixi (Japanese equivalent of MySpace...but better...and in Japanese...and it doesn't suck) account here. Maybe an oops is in order? Better get to editing old posts...

Anyhoo, if you see what appears to be a bunch of garbage characters, pay no mind, 'cause it's probably (hopefully) just a post in Japanese.

日本語を書きたいの皆さんへ、

このブログはバイリンガル（英・和）だから日本語のコメントをどうぞう。遠慮しないで。本当に。日本語が読めない人はちょっとかわいそうけどしょうがないっすね。

Me, Part II

2007-01-22T09:27:00.000+09:00

Ok, so continuing w/ yesterdays self-intro, if for no other reason than to entertain myself on an otherwise boring day in the office and maybe one day be able to Google myself...

Things That Make Me Happy: Open source software, non-DRM'd media, good porn, My Dilbert desk calendar, my coozie turned pen holder from my brother-in-law that says, "A quaint little drinking village with a fishing problem. ISLAMORADA" (boy, that was a fun one to explain in Japanese to coworkers), the sound of kids laughing, q-tips (yes, I have an unhealthy obsession sticking things in my ears), snowboarding, the beginning of summer in Hokkaido, salt & vinegar Pringles, import food shops.

Things That Make Me Sad: Proprietary bullshit software, DRM, bad porn, Having 6 classes of munchkins in a single day followed by a 2 hour baseball practice, fighting w/ my wife, slack jawed Japanese idiots who point at me with eyes as big as quarters and yell, "FOREIGNER!!!!!!"

My Weird Quirks:

1) I hate spiders & flour with a passion. Some might do a cartoon-like double take "does not compute" on this one, but lemme try to explain. First off, spiders may be beneficial, in that they eat other bugs & whatnot, but why must they decide to come into my house? On top of that, the spiders in Hokkaido tend to grow into these evil gigantic monstrosities the size of rats that look like they could easily devour small animals, children & little old ladies. I literally feel like puking whenever I happen to find one. Secondly, flour. I have no idea what dark seeded childhood memory this stems from, but flour is just...wrong. Ya know how some people can't stand the thought of finger nails on a chalkboard (not me, BTW, I could do that all day long, even though some people reading this may be cringing right now)? Well, for me, that's flour, in all of its forms. Even the thought of flour gives me goose bumps. *shudder* Yes, that goes for powdered sugar, corn starch, chalk (kinda sux to be me, seeing that I ended up as an English teacher, huh?) and any other powdery substance, too. The thing that really bites the big one is that since Hokkaido is so cold in the winter, the only kind of snow we get is the really fluffy, powdery kind. Great for boarding, but ya know what that stuff sounds and feels like when walking on it? Fucking flour.

2) I'm a weather junkie. Seriously, I check the weather forecast on my phone like 20 times a day. Why, other than the fact that I probably have OCD? Will the weather forecast really change in the 5 minutes since I last checked it? Hey, it could happen! Maybe it's just that I got used to checking the radar last summer when I prayed every day that it'd rain so baseball practice would have to be canceled. Yes, I have issues.

3) Not so much a quirky thing, but somewhat related to 2) and as mentioned in one o' my posts from last year is that I help coach little league baseball to 2nd & 3rd graders here in town. I played baseball as a kid from the time I was 5 until high school, so like the dork I am, I figured, "Hey, that'd be a fun way to get involved in my community!" Now, you have to realize that baseball in Japan is sorta like the evil twin of baseball in the US. There's a really great book by a guy named Robert Whiting called You Gotta Have Wa that explains it better than I ever could (and in convenient book form, even!), but in essence, baseball, and sport in Japan in general is the modern day evolution of bushido, or "samurai spirit". Boys of summer? HA! No, Japanese kids practice the whole live long year round, baby! The guy I coach with is a bit of a nutter, but at least he's better than a lot of Japanese coaches, who, in an attempt to create "fighting spirit" don't let their players drink water during 8 hour daily practices in the middle of summer or make their pitchers throw 300 pitches a day until their arms fall off. This is what we in the real world tend to refer to as "a crock of bullshit" that only wears kids out mentally & physically by the time they hit high school. No, I'm not bitter! Argh. Think I may have to table this topic for a "Things I Hate/Love About Japan" post as it's only serving to piss me off right now. My appologies, er apollogies...um, apologies. Why the hell can I never spell that word right? See what Japanese baseball has done to me?

4) I can never seem to keep up a blog for more than a few weeks. I've tried it both in English & Japanese and it never seems to work out very well. I even have an account on Mixi, a sorta Japanese MySpace (with much nicer layouts...and BTW, why does every single MySpace page that I've ever laid eyes on look like it was coded by a crack addled chimp?) that my wife got me hooked on, but wouldn't ya know it, after 3 months, I was burnt out, dude. This whole re-emergence o' bloggery after a 6-month hiatus makes me feel like I'm some mullet-headed redneck telling his girlfriend, "C'mawn baby, gimme 'nother chance. Ah prawmis ah won't hit ya no mowr." Who knows? Maybe now that winter's finally got around to making Hokkaido it's bitch again I'll be able to keep it up for a while until the snow finally begins to thaw in July or so...

Ok, guess that's it my little exploration into online narcissistic self-gratification for now. Too many other things going on in my head right now that I just simply must write/read/blather on about.

Time for the twice a year posting...

2007-01-21T03:00:00.000+09:00

Ok, so I may have made a little teensie weensie mistake in posting the addy o' this little read and even less updated page. See, just by total dumb luck, I found a really cool blog by some Auzzie chick named The Hot Librarian. Long story as to how I found it (more on that later), but in anycase, she's totally off her tits and laugh out loud, snorting-milk-through-nose funny with the kind of dirty minded, sophomoric humor that I thoroughly enjoy, so I thought it'd just be a grand idea to leave a little comment on one of her posts...with the address for this page. Oops.

Even though I seriously doubt that anybody would be so inclined to visit my acre & a half of the virtual equivalent of 20 miles off Al Gore's Info Superhighway in the middle of Wyoming, I feel like I have to clean house like a madman, as you know...I can't let people see how I really live, afterall...

Seeing as I live in BFE Hokkaido, Japan, and seeing as I haven't written a post in like, oh, half a year or so (me & keeping up a regular blog, either in Japanese or English seem to not get along), and seeing as there might be people that take a wrong turn off the expressway and end up lost here (HA! yeah, right), and in the grand tradition of the Japanese self-introduction, and in the grand tradition of using entirely too many "ands" and (Hey! There's another one!) run-on sentences, here's a little bit about me, dear unwitting layer on of eyes of my prose:

Name: Hokkaido Hillbilly. No, I'm not an actual slack jawed yokel, and no, I'm not from Arkansas or have horribly bad buck teeth, but yes, I do live in the great white Northern tundra o' Japan and yes, I am from a southern state that rhymes with "Ennessee."

Age: 31 & change. I refuse to be labeled w/ the moniker of "middle aged" until I'm 40, & besides, I do way too many dumb things to be thought of as an adult. As you might gleam from the "About Me" blurb to the upper right, I'm a Pisces (and no, I DO NOT enjoy long walks on the beach...the beaches in Hokkaido are toxic waste hell holes and that shit is a bitch to walk on), born in the year of the rabbit (i.e. I have stupid, dumb luck like you wouldn't believe), and even though none of you have a clue who she is, according to Kazuko Hosogi (my wife's favorite astrologer, i.e. I watch her on TV, too) I'm an "Emperor (-)"...whatever that means.

Marital Status: As noted above, happily married to a wonderful, if somewhat quirky Japanese woman from Sapporo for the past 2 1/2 years. Sorry girls, I know you're all bummed out now. Yes, that's sarcasm talking. I'm so lucky to be married to this woman that it's ridiculous (especially seeing as I had a bad case of fear-of-commitment-itis during the 4 years we dated). I'm nowhere near Hunchback o' Notre Dame status, but I am one o' those "how the hell did he end up w/ her?" kinda guys, so I'm a pretty happy bunny...when she doesn't beat me *grin*

Job (1): Shougakkou Senzoku Eigo Shidoujyoshu. For all of you that don't speak furin' talk, that's just a fancy Japanese way of saying "Paid Dancing Monkey for small Japanese children", i.e. Elementary School English Teacher. I mainly teach at 3 elementary schools, with occasional stints at the town kindergarten (cuteness personified to the point where you just wanna puke) and Jr. high (which I somewhat dread going to. Was I really that much of a dork at that age? Wait...don't answer that question...) One school I teach at out in the boonies has 9 kids. Yeah, you read that right. Nine children in the entire school (would really like to use a certain NSFW word between "entire" and "school" that rhymes w/ "ducking" right now, but family members may be reading...my apologies). A 1st grader, a 2nd grader, two 3rd graders, two 4th graders, no 5th graders & three 6th graders. They show up barefoot in their cute little overalls & buck teeth and I larn 'em sum Anglish. No, seriously though, their great kids, and it's my favorite school to go to, even though it has no wireless Internet access. Kinda sucks big ol' donkey balls that the powers that be're gonna shut the place down & ship the kids to the big (350 ankle biters), new school in town. Sigh.

Job (2): Translator/Proofreader for a media company in Sapporo, but...shhhh ...don't tell anybody! It's sortuva no-no to moonlight according to my teaching gig contract, but then again, nobody that I work w/ here in town actually speaks English, so I guess I can blab it out as much as I want to here! Score!

Time in Japan: Way too damn long. I would think that almost 7 years would be enough to pay for my crimes to humanity by now. I wasn't always here in Crazy Demented Watermelon, Rice & Freaky Cave That Looks Like Mouldy Bread Town, mind you. I was in slowly, but ever so surely dying Glider & Cosmos Flower City for 2 years before that and We Like to Ride Sleighs & Whip Big Horses City as a translator/interpreter/"internationalizer o' the community" for 3 years before that. I really wish that I could live in Airplane & Shroom Town, if for no other reason than that they have a kick-ass town mascot. Then again, that town's only about a 10 minute drive from here, so maybe that's close enough.

What does this say about me? 1) Yes, I am a masochist. 2) I've been here almost as long as I was in college (the best 7 years o' my life for a double major and 2 minors!) 3) Is this some sorta pattern emerging here? 4) #'s 2 & 1 are probably related somehow.

*We interrupt this blog to bring you a public service announcement: Yes, I speak Japanese & can get myself into & out of trouble quite easily in said devil's tongue, but take a look at the "hobbies" part of the "All About Me" section. Although you'll find that I have quite an interest in females of the Asian persuasion (hey, I married one after all, although sadly not involved in porn), you'll notice nothing about manga or anime or any kind o' foolishness of the sort (as my Dad would say). Sazae-San is about as far as I go down that path, which is sad enough as it is. I am enough of a geek as it is with computers, video games and home theatre equipment. I do not need to "bring it up a notch" to the all out maid cafe and otaku level. If that's what you're into and Pikachu melts your butter, more power to ya brothers and/or sisters, but please don't ask me about it, for a) I could really give a rat's ass and b) um...see a). :)

Ok, now where were we...oh...Best. Movies. Evar: Blazing Saddles, Trainspotting, Tampopo, Lost In Translation (although if you've never been to/lived here in Happy Land, you probably won't get it), Osohshiki (The Funeral), Tonari no Tottoro (My Neighbor Tottoro in English. Stop laughing. Now. And no, I'm not gay and even though it's technically anime, it's a kick ass movie, so shut up).

Alright, all the time we have for now boys & girls. Translations from my double-secret probation part-time gig await, and as my sweet little southern grandma used to say, "They laws!" this has turned out one helluva long post. Stay tuned for more, where I'll regale you with more on life as a token white guy.

Boys be ambitious, onigiri be delicious,

HH ;)

Whew! A few cob webs in here, huh?

2006-07-26T22:14:00.000+09:00

Yowza...been a while huh?

So for all what...3 of you who look at this thing, life is going swell in Tohma and summer is officially here! 25 days of sun & fun and...BASEBALL PRACTICE EVERYSINGLE FRIGGIN' DAY!!!

Yeah, now that I'm up here in rice & watermelon land, I figured I needed one more thing to keep me busy, so I'm coaching little league baseball to 3rd & 4th graders. Japanese kids don't necessary have a baseball season per se, but rather practice throughout the entire friggin year. 5 times a week during the school year and everyday during the summer. Sheesh.

Gotta love that samurai spirit, huh?

Anyhoo, now that I've gotta little free time on my hands and we've officially been in Tohma a year, I figure it's time to come outta my cave, both 'Net wise & socially in the real world, so I'll try to keep this up to date on a much more regular basis (i.e. I promise there'll be another update before next year *grin*)

EDIT: Oops, guess that didn't happen...

Gone Fishin'

2005-05-02T00:09:00.000+09:00

Travelling around Hokkaido this week w/ my buddy Ed, but will try to update on the road. Moblogging, here I come, baby!

No more pencils, no more books...

2005-04-29T00:02:00.000+09:00

...no more giving ankle biters dirty looks!

Well, for the next 10 days in anycase. Yup, had my last classes today, and Golden Week is o-ficially here! Woohoo!

Big Day In Sapps & Night Out w/ the BOE

2005-04-26T22:22:00.000+09:00

As sort of expected, M wasn't among the land of the living by 10AM, so I took the train into Sapporo by myself. 4,000 yen ($40) for round-trip tix...OUCH!

Got to the D.O.T. type place without a hitch and man was it alot easier than I thought it'd be. Just filled out a few forms, paid my 350 yen, waited less than 5 minutes, and boom, I was outta there.

Since I was in town, I gave my buddy Ed a call (he's a graduate student at the University of Hokkaido), and we hooked up for lunch. It was a gorgeous day today, so we ate out on the grass in front of the library on campus. Thank God spring is actually finally here. We ended up going in on a camping guide to Hokkaido for our big trip around the island next week. More on that later.

Afterwards, made the usual stop at Yodobashi Camera. Couldn't help myself and splurged on a new game for my PSP: Wipeout Pure. Hopefully I can eventually get the browser hack to work and turn the PSP into my new mobile e-mail checker.

After a look around Kinokuniya (see post below), had to start back home, but before catching the 4PM train home, got my grease fix @ McDonald's. 500 yen for a double cheeseburger, fries & a Coke to go...how can ya beat that? Some old lady on the train gave me dirty looks for eating on public transport, but minded her own friggin business once I shot her the same look back.

Fell asleep on the train, but managed to wake up before we hit Takikawa at 10 till 5. Rushed home, dropped my stuff, and Misa ran me over to Bellco, this big ceremony hall where the Takikawa Board of Education was having it's welcome party for new staff at 6. A bit pricey at 2,000 yen for such a skimpy little bit o' food, but at least the booze was pouring fast and furious. Boring as usual, but like I said...at least it was all you can drink. ;)

Now off to bed (I'm shot), as I've got classes again tomorrow and still have to come up with a lesson plan for two classes of way too energetic kids before I leave the house in the morning. On thie other hand, it is kinda nice though, as the school I'll be at tomorrow, Ebeotsu Elementary, has some of the best kids of any school in Takikawa, and they treat me like a total super star there.

Ah...I'm so abused *grin*

Sapporo's New Kinokuniya Bookstore

2005-04-26T22:07:00.002+09:00

Ok, I've officially become Japanese...I'm taking pictures of buildings for pete's sake...

Anyhoo, this is the new Kinokuniya next to Sapporo Station. Pretty swank place that really reminds me of Barnes & Noble or Borders, but Maruzen near Mitsukoshi further downtown has a helluva better English book selection. Figured while I was there I should at least pick something up, so since they didn't have any of the Left Behind books (so sue me...I wanna see what all the hubbub is about), I settled for Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Big Stars Coming To Takikawa!

2005-04-26T22:07:00.001+09:00

Absolutely no idea who these people are, but saw the sign on the way in to Sapporo this morning and thought it was a cool sign, being hand painted and all. Lots of Japanese movie posters are still hand painted like this too.

My Drugs

2005-04-26T22:07:00.000+09:00

These're the drugs that I got from going to the hospital the other day. 8 different types three times a day. Oh yeah...it's only a 4-day prescription. I guess with this many different kinds 4 days does the trick...

Off to Sapporo in the morning

2005-04-25T22:56:00.000+09:00

Can't seem to find the safety inspection papers for my truck, so I'm taking the day off tomorrow and going into Sapps with M to get another set. Hopefully 1) it won't be too much of a pain in the ass and 2) it'll be nice weather so we can have lunch in Odori Park...defo one of the primo things to do in Sapporo once the tundra melts.

Not the most pleasant of experiences

2005-04-23T09:32:00.000+09:00

As expected, school starts and I come down with something again. Felt like absolute shit on Thursday aftertoon, and even though I made it to school on Friday morning, was running a fever and promptly told to go to the hospital.

So I head off to the Takikawa City Hospital as the place I normally go to (Bunya) doesn't open till sometime after 9. I get to the hospital around 8:30, make my appointment and begin to wait. Sometime between 9 and 9:30 I finally get in to see the doctor and he tells me that they need to do a flu test. "No biggy" I'm thinking, imagining some kinda blood test. Oh boy how wrong I was.

They take me into this room and proceed to pull out this daddy-sized q-tip lookin' thing and the nurse tells me it's gonna be a little uncomfortable as she jams it up my left nostril. Gonna be a little uncomfortable my ass. Nope...left nostril's too stuffed up, we we've gotta try the right one. She rams it up there so hard that my nose explodes in blood as she's wriggling it around trying to get a good sample. At the same time, I'm flailing around like crazy, she's trying to hold my head still, my eyes're watering like there's no tomorrow, and there's this fountain of blood streaming down my face. After it's all said & done, what does she give me to clean my self up? A couple of kleenex, of course, then she tells me to go wait in the lobby. "How long is this gonna take?" "Just go wait," she tells me. Yes, Nurse Wratchet.

Half an hour later, I'm still waiting and realize I need to go to the post office, so I find Nurse Wratchet and ask if I have time. She tells me that the test results take half an hour, and I'm like, huh? but take off for the p.o. anyway.

Long story short, I get back and wait some more...and some more...and some more...and finally ask how much longer this is gonna take. "Oh, I'm sorry...we forgot about you" Ahhh...Japanese medicine at it's finest. Thankfully, turns out I don't have the flu, but instead have some kinda bacterial infection or virus (doctor wasn't sure which). Yea!

Argh...tired

2005-04-19T22:50:00.000+09:00

And am probably coming down w/ a cold...or hayfever. Probably a nice little viral present from the ankle biters at school. OL at the BOE today told me only nice people get colds. Maybe I should be more of an asshole.

Email test post

2005-04-18T23:49:00.000+09:00

Let's see if this really works...

--
"The improbable we can handle...the impossible just takes a little more time."

My Dad

Americans need to understand the difference between patriotism and nationalism. A patriot loves his land and his people. A nationalist loves his government. The patriot voluntarily does what is necessary to protect his land and his people. A nationalist blindly obeys his government.

Charley Reese

Long day

2005-04-18T23:35:00.000+09:00

Long day today. First day of classes back at Dai San elementary - one of the 7 elementary schools I teach at. The school year, just like about every other type of fiscal year here runs from April 1st through March 31st, so lots of new kids & classes. 5 periods of very genki 3rd & 4th graders. Most of the kids were great, but there's a few I can tell are gonna be little shits. Such is life I guess.

First post

2005-04-17T11:28:00.000+09:00

Well, in an attempt at better keeping in touch with with family & friends, as well as sharing pics of life here in the great white north o' Japan, I've set up my first blog. Hopefully lots more to come...