Time for the twice a year posting...

Ok, so I may have made a little teensie weensie mistake in posting the addy o' this little read and even less updated page. See, just by total dumb luck, I found a really cool blog by some Auzzie chick named The Hot Librarian. Long story as to how I found it (more on that later), but in anycase, she's totally off her tits and laugh out loud, snorting-milk-through-nose funny with the kind of dirty minded, sophomoric humor that I thoroughly enjoy, so I thought it'd just be a grand idea to leave a little comment on one of her posts...with the address for this page. Oops.

Even though I seriously doubt that anybody would be so inclined to visit my acre & a half of the virtual equivalent of 20 miles off Al Gore's Info Superhighway in the middle of Wyoming, I feel like I have to clean house like a madman, as you know...I can't let people see how I really live, afterall...

Seeing as I live in BFE Hokkaido, Japan, and seeing as I haven't written a post in like, oh, half a year or so (me & keeping up a regular blog, either in Japanese or English seem to not get along), and seeing as there might be people that take a wrong turn off the expressway and end up lost here (HA! yeah, right), and in the grand tradition of the Japanese self-introduction, and in the grand tradition of using entirely too many "ands" and (Hey! There's another one!) run-on sentences, here's a little bit about me, dear unwitting layer on of eyes of my prose:

Name: Hokkaido Hillbilly. No, I'm not an actual slack jawed yokel, and no, I'm not from Arkansas or have horribly bad buck teeth, but yes, I do live in the great white Northern tundra o' Japan and yes, I am from a southern state that rhymes with "Ennessee."

Age: 31 & change. I refuse to be labeled w/ the moniker of "middle aged" until I'm 40, & besides, I do way too many dumb things to be thought of as an adult. As you might gleam from the "About Me" blurb to the upper right, I'm a Pisces (and no, I DO NOT enjoy long walks on the beach...the beaches in Hokkaido are toxic waste hell holes and that shit is a bitch to walk on), born in the year of the rabbit (i.e. I have stupid, dumb luck like you wouldn't believe), and even though none of you have a clue who she is, according to Kazuko Hosogi (my wife's favorite astrologer, i.e. I watch her on TV, too) I'm an "Emperor (-)"...whatever that means.

Marital Status: As noted above, happily married to a wonderful, if somewhat quirky Japanese woman from Sapporo for the past 2 1/2 years. Sorry girls, I know you're all bummed out now. Yes, that's sarcasm talking. I'm so lucky to be married to this woman that it's ridiculous (especially seeing as I had a bad case of fear-of-commitment-itis during the 4 years we dated). I'm nowhere near Hunchback o' Notre Dame status, but I am one o' those "how the hell did he end up w/ her?" kinda guys, so I'm a pretty happy bunny...when she doesn't beat me *grin*

Job (1): Shougakkou Senzoku Eigo Shidoujyoshu. For all of you that don't speak furin' talk, that's just a fancy Japanese way of saying "Paid Dancing Monkey for small Japanese children", i.e. Elementary School English Teacher. I mainly teach at 3 elementary schools, with occasional stints at the town kindergarten (cuteness personified to the point where you just wanna puke) and Jr. high (which I somewhat dread going to. Was I really that much of a dork at that age? Wait...don't answer that question...) One school I teach at out in the boonies has 9 kids. Yeah, you read that right. Nine children in the entire school (would really like to use a certain NSFW word between "entire" and "school" that rhymes w/ "ducking" right now, but family members may be reading...my apologies). A 1st grader, a 2nd grader, two 3rd graders, two 4th graders, no 5th graders & three 6th graders. They show up barefoot in their cute little overalls & buck teeth and I larn 'em sum Anglish. No, seriously though, their great kids, and it's my favorite school to go to, even though it has no wireless Internet access. Kinda sucks big ol' donkey balls that the powers that be're gonna shut the place down & ship the kids to the big (350 ankle biters), new school in town. Sigh.

Job (2): Translator/Proofreader for a media company in Sapporo, but...shhhh ...don't tell anybody! It's sortuva no-no to moonlight according to my teaching gig contract, but then again, nobody that I work w/ here in town actually speaks English, so I guess I can blab it out as much as I want to here! Score!

Time in Japan: Way too damn long. I would think that almost 7 years would be enough to pay for my crimes to humanity by now. I wasn't always here in Crazy Demented Watermelon, Rice & Freaky Cave That Looks Like Mouldy Bread Town, mind you. I was in slowly, but ever so surely dying Glider & Cosmos Flower City for 2 years before that and We Like to Ride Sleighs & Whip Big Horses City as a translator/interpreter/"internationalizer o' the community" for 3 years before that. I really wish that I could live in Airplane & Shroom Town, if for no other reason than that they have a kick-ass town mascot. Then again, that town's only about a 10 minute drive from here, so maybe that's close enough.

What does this say about me? 1) Yes, I am a masochist. 2) I've been here almost as long as I was in college (the best 7 years o' my life for a double major and 2 minors!) 3) Is this some sorta pattern emerging here? 4) #'s 2 & 1 are probably related somehow.

*We interrupt this blog to bring you a public service announcement: Yes, I speak Japanese & can get myself into & out of trouble quite easily in said devil's tongue, but take a look at the "hobbies" part of the "All About Me" section. Although you'll find that I have quite an interest in females of the Asian persuasion (hey, I married one after all, although sadly not involved in porn), you'll notice nothing about manga or anime or any kind o' foolishness of the sort (as my Dad would say). Sazae-San is about as far as I go down that path, which is sad enough as it is. I am enough of a geek as it is with computers, video games and home theatre equipment. I do not need to "bring it up a notch" to the all out maid cafe and otaku level. If that's what you're into and Pikachu melts your butter, more power to ya brothers and/or sisters, but please don't ask me about it, for a) I could really give a rat's ass and b) um...see a). :)

Ok, now where were we...oh...Best. Movies. Evar: Blazing Saddles, Trainspotting, Tampopo, Lost In Translation (although if you've never been to/lived here in Happy Land, you probably won't get it), Osohshiki (The Funeral), Tonari no Tottoro (My Neighbor Tottoro in English. Stop laughing. Now. And no, I'm not gay and even though it's technically anime, it's a kick ass movie, so shut up).


Alright, all the time we have for now boys & girls. Translations from my double-secret probation part-time gig await, and as my sweet little southern grandma used to say, "They laws!" this has turned out one helluva long post. Stay tuned for more, where I'll regale you with more on life as a token white guy.

Boys be ambitious, onigiri be delicious,



HH ;)