OKI Kicks Ass

日本語しか読めない方へ、すみませんが今回の日記はとりあえず英語だけ。後で、時間があったら日本語版もかくかもしれない。ごめんね。orz

Last night M & I went down to Asahikawa to see the final show on OKI's Ainu Dub Band Japan tour, and man, what a great show. I'd only seen him do acoustic sets before, so it was a first for me to see him with a full on band and dub set.

Defo a different crowd, too. The two times we saw him play before were both at the Kawamura Ainu Village, which is more of a museum w/ a performance space. The crowd there is normally a quieter mix of young & old alike (especially little old Ainu ladies who do upopo), with only a few hippies/groupies that normally show up and attract more attention than whoever's on stage. Don't get me wrong now...more power to 'em I say. Their own version of public interpretive dance actually takes the emphasis off me as usually the only foreign barbarian in the house, so groove on there, Moonbeam. In anycase, seeing as the show was in a full on club, definitely a younger crowd last night, with a big contingent of groupies and most people there packed in & heads bobbin'. Surprisingly enough, a few biddies showed up, but were none too pleased that there wasn't anywhere for 'em to sit, as one lady was all too willing to share with us prior to the show starting. Interesting moment o' the evening: we were making our way into stage area when we passed one of the Ainu elders that I've seen several times at the previous shows. She looks at me for a second, turns away, then does a full on double take, with this look of "Wait a tic...I don't know any gaijin! Why do I know you?" written all over her face. "Have we met before?" she asks, and I say, "Um, yeah. You've probably seen me over at the Ainu museum." She replies, "Oh. I guess we have met then." and shuffles off mumbling something else that neither M or I can figure out. Ohhhkay.

Anyhoo, the show starts about 20 minutes late, and when OKI and the band walk on the stage, the groupies pretty much went wild. While, like I mentioned before, it was a total kick ass show, the first song was just sorta...well, odd. As the band was tuning their instruments, this kinda weird, trippy, dreamy number with bits of upopo chanting by Umeko Ando was playing at full volume, and it seemed like the entire crowd did a bit of a collective "huh?". It was also echo-y as all hell, and I know that dub uses a shit-load of reverb, but maybe it was just a skosh too much. Once they got tuned up and into the first set though, things picked up and everybody started to build up a bit of steam. One of the best songs was a totally trippy piece that sounded like drum & base/tribal, but without the use of any synths or sound boards and really showed off how good the drummer, Takashi Numazawa, really is. The whole crowd just sorta stood there with their mouths open watching this guy go to town. Yes, he's that good, so if you ever get a chance to see him, don't walk, run!

After a quick break, they started the second set and it turned out to be the best part of the show by far. For one of the opening numbers, OKI was playing the mukkuri, a bamboo jew's harp and swear to God it sounded like it was coming straight off a mixing board. After that the drums and base kicked in and man, the place was jumping.

The band finished their second set, but the crowd wouldn't let 'em off that easy, and they came back for an extended encore w/ OKI on the bass instead of the tonkori. By the time they got to the 3rd song of the encore, it seemed like they were just getting started and the crowd was eating it up, but a) thanks to my bum knee, my entire right leg hurt like a bitch and b) I had to be at work at 8AM this morning, so we cut out a bit early.

Of course, we couldn't just leave empty handed, so on the way out, we figured we'd pick up one of the CDs they were selling...but went a little overboard and bought 3...and a sticker for my snowboard. Oh well at least they threw in a few extra stickers for free.

And how do you top off such a big night out like this? Why, a classy drive-through stop at Micky D's of course! Hey, it was one of the only places open at 11:30. Come to think of it, last night may be the first time I've ever gone through a pick-up window in Japan. Well, there's one more thing to cross off the "to do in Japan" list.

ゴルデン・ウィークの思い出 / Oh Yeah, That Whole Golden Week Thing From 2 Years Ago...

Slightly different (& no doubt longer) English version below:


今日、タバコ部屋で休憩した時に「今年のゴルデン・ウィークはどうかな～？2日間の年休を使ったらまた11連休ができる？」と思って、カレンダーを調べた。

駄目だ。まぁ・・・しょうがないっすね。

とにかく、GWについて考えたら、2年前のGWを思い出した。親友（博士君）と一緒に5日間の道内キャンプ旅行をしました。

出発前に、「あっ！これについて日記を書かなきゃいけないね！そしてPSPがあるから毎日日記の更新ができる！」

ハハハハハハ！可笑しいべさ！

以下の理由で結局できなかった：

1) 道東は殆ど田舎だから無線LANは殆どない（特に私たちにいた所）。
2) PSPのテキスト入力はすごくうんざりさせること。「だって、楽しそうですね！やりたい！」と言う人がいれば、自分の為にあきらめた方がいいっすよ。ドMな人へ、どうぞ。
3) 親友は運転ができないから僕は1000キロ以上、全部一人で運転した。

どうせ、2年前のことだから100％覚えてないけど、これくらい日程でした（間違えたや変な日本語を許してください）：

1日目：札幌～新冠。温かくて、いい天気！出発！やった！最高の旅が始まったぜ！新冠のキャンプ場でキャンプした。夜は寒かったから二人でJack Danielsの500mlを全部飲んじゃった。よく寝た。

2日目：新冠～虫類。ちょっと涼しかったけど晴れていた。ありがたいことに二日酔いなし。道の駅で「おっぱい餅」を見つけた。えりも岬。綺麗な海岸。虫類のキャンプ場でキャンプした。1日目の夜に比べてそんなに寒くなかったからビール3本しか飲まなかった。深夜にキツネの泣き声を聞いた。「だれが殺されている」みたい。

3日目：虫類～屈斜路湖。天気はどんどん悪くなるみたい。弟子屈で迷っちゃった。やっと屈斜路湖のキャンプ場を見つけた。やっぱり天気はヤバイ。弟子屈に戻って、3ℓ「大五郎」と晩ご飯を買って、キャンプ場に戻った。土砂降りの雨、寒くて死にそうので大五郎ガブガブ飲みました。カキとみかんを焼いた（大五郎のせい）。ずぶぬれになった。「あ、そうっか・・・これが地獄だ。思ったより寒い」と思った。酔ってヨロヨロして、偶然に天然露天風呂を見つけた。「ありがとう、神様！」と思った。テントまで酔ってヨロヨロして戻った。よく眠れなかった。

4日目：屈斜路湖～当麻。長～い一日でした。寒かった。朝5時半で隣のテントのファミリたちはすごくうるさかったから起きちゃった。二日酔いがひどかった。「静かにしてもらえませんか！？」と叫んだ。チョコットだけ静かになった。テントから出て、トイレの方に向かって、うるさいファミリを見ながら「迷惑！」と言った。うるさいファミリはすぐ黙って、テントの中に逃げた。摩周湖（二日酔いだったのにすごく綺麗だった）。硫黄山で間欠泉に顔を熱傷した。楽しくなかった。屋台のおじさんから「おい！外人さん！たまごを買ってくれませんか？」に声をかけられた。「結構、日本人さん！」と答えた。オホーツク海を見た。大雪山で雪が降った。冬タイヤじゃなかったからちょっと怖かった。当麻のキャンプ場でキャンプした。アホだから池に落ちた（後で、奥さんを電話した時に、笑われた）。ありがたいことに、キャンプ場から500mくらいの温泉がありました。その夜、－1℃になった。また寒くて死にそうだった。

5日目：当麻～札幌～滝川（あの時に住んでいた町）。上川支庁で迷っちゃった。幌加内道の駅が見つからなかった。博士君を札幌のアパートで降ろして、「じゃね」と言って、滝川に帰った。

学んだこと：

1) 本当の友達だったら、ほぼ一週間ずーと密着なのに、喧嘩しない（注意：これは僕の意見です。博士君は違うことと思うかもしれない）。
2) 道東は本当に田舎（けどすごく綺麗だ）。
3) 北海道で、ゴルデン・ウィークは絶対キャンピングシーゾンじゃない。この旅は楽しかったけど二度とやりたくない。


I was looking at the calendar today while in the breakroom and thought to myself, "Hmmm...what's Golden Week gonna be like this year? Wonder if I can get 11 days off for the low, low price of 2 holiday days again?"

No such luck. Crap.

One good thing about this exercise in futility is that it jogged my memory about Golden Week a few years ago and the big camping trip around Hokkaido with my best friend Boy Doctor.

At the time, I'd just started this blog, and thought, "Hey! I can make entries on the road on my PSP! That'll be so cool!"

HA HA HA! Oh boy, do I crack myself up sometimes.

In the end, that didn't quite happen for the following reasons:

1) There's a whole lotta nothing in eastern Hokkaido, and thus a decided lack of wireless access points.
2) Text entry on a PSP is a complete and total pain in the ass. If you're a real masochist tho, be my guest.
3) Since Boy Doctor doesn't have a drivers license, I ended up driving the entire 1000 some odd kilometers over a span of 5 days, so I don't think I really woulda been up to it in the first place.

Yeah, it's now 2 years later, but I'm feeling all nostalgic, so here's the long overdue run-down:

Day 1: Sapporo-Niikappu. It's actually warm weather! In May! In Hokkaido! Woohoo! Bit nippy at night, so we polish off a fifth of Jack Daniels between us. I sleep well.

Day 2: Niikapu-Churui. Not bad weather. Bit cooler than yesterday, but still sunny. We find rice cakes in the shape of boobies at a rest area gift shop. Cape Erimo. Gorgeous coastline. We camp in Churui, just south of Obihiro. Not quite as cold as last night, so I only have 3 beers. A fox comes within a few meters of our campsite. We chase it away as neither of us really want rabies. I awaken in the middle of the night to fox calls, which sound like somebody being killed.

Day 3: Churui-Lake Kussharo. Uh oh...weather looks like it might turn on us. We get lost in Teshikaga, but finally manage to find the lake. Oh crap. It's cold, windy as hell, and it's about to rain. Run back to Teshikaga to buy dinner and a 3 liter bottle of "Dai Goro", the cheapest shochu (think rubbing alcohol) we can find, then haul ass back to camp. It is now absolutely pissing down actual cats & dogs in biblical proportions and I'm freezing my ass off and miserable. "Ah...so this is what hell is like? It's much colder than I figured it'd be." We proceed to down 3 liters of rubbing alcohol in the hopes of somehow keeping warm while I stand in the rain barbeqeuing oysters and mandarin oranges. Yes, that would be the alco-mahol's fault. We drunkenly stumble along the shoreline and by total
dumb luck find a natural outdoor hot spring. "Thank you, Jesus!" I manage to get my body temperature somewhere above 30C and we stumble back to our tents. I do not sleep well.

Day 4: Lake Kusharo-Tohma. Shit weather & cold. I'm woken up at 5AM by the family in the tent next door. "...and then the dog woke me up!" Hilarious laughter ensues. I am extremely hung over and not pleased in any way, shape or form, as I yell in Japanese, "Would you PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!" They tone it down about 0.000001 decibels. I drag my ass out of my tent and make my way to the bathroom. As I'm walking, death rays are emanating from my eyes directly at obnoxiously loud family and I mutter the equivalent of "Get fucked, assholes." Suddenly they become very quiet and hide in their tent. That's right folks, you do not want to mess w/ Mr. Very Hung Over Ugly Foreigner right now. Somehow my brain eventually starts to work, and while it's still freezing, the sun comes out a bit. Lake Mashuu (the shear beauty of this place alone made me temporarily forget the jackhammers going off in my head. Mt. Io. I stick my head in a geyser and almost burn my face off. Some old guy selling eggs hard-boiled from the local steam vents yells at me, "Oi! Mr. Foreigner! Buy an egg from me!" "Not on your life, Mr. racist Japanese!" We see the Sea of Okhotsk. While crossing the Mt. Taisetsu pass, it starts blizzarding. I do not have on snow tires and somehow safely white knuckle it down the other side. We camp in Tohma. It's sunny, now, but cold. I am an idiot and fall into a pond (of course, when I call M and tell her about this later that night, she laughs mercilessly at my misfortune). Thankfully, there's a hot spring w/in 500 meters of the camp ground and I have one last change of dry clothes, so I don't get pneumonia and die. It gets down to -1C that night, and once again, I almost freeze my ass off. At least it's not raining.

Day 5: Tohma-Sapporo-Takikawa (where I lived at the time). Finally, the weather is a bit nicer. We get lost somewhere in Kamikawa and can't find the Horokonai Michi no Eki. We are very disappointed, as it means that I can't pick up another country sign magnet (I've already picked up 11 on the trip by this point). We get into Sapporo, I drop Boy Doctor off, and we say our farewells with a manly "I'M NOT GAY" 3 pat hug. I drive another 2 hours back up to Takikawa and collapse into a coma.

Things I learned on this trip:

1) If you're really good friends, you don't necessarily have to get on each others nerves, even after being cooped up in a jeep traveling around WoopWoop, Eastern Hokkaido for 5 days. (NOTE: This is my personal opinion, and may not necessarily be shared by Boy Doctor)
2) There's a lotta nothin' in Eastern Hokkaido, but it shur is purty.
3) Golden Week is most assuredly not the best time to go camping in Hokkaido (that would be the approximately only 3 absolutely perfect days of the year in June). I had a blast, but sure as hell don't wanna do it again.

R.I.P. 巨乳

(English below)

ミクシィから来たの皆様へ、

もしかして、「あらっ？「巨乳」のアバター（写真）はどこに行った？」と思っている？

実は、色々な方から「その「巨乳」の写真は面白いよ！」、「それ見たときに爆笑した！」などのコメントをもらいましたが、最近、奥さんは「Hillbilly君、その巨乳の写真は嫌だよ！セクハラだから早く変えてくれ！」

そのアバターが大好きで（実はこのブログの「About Me」の違うところでまだ使っています）、すごく面白いと思いますが、生意気な写真のために夫婦喧嘩をしたくないので、結局変えました。

「巨乳小渕君」、冥福を祈る。　；）

そして・・・

口をポカーンと開けた田舎者の勉（つとむ）へようこそ！


Up until now, I've used this pic...

















...as the avatar for my Mixi account. Sortuva long story if you don't know much about Japan or read the language, but I'll give it a go.

First off, check out this Wiki page for a background of the Japanese calendar.

Still with me? No falling asleep and drooling all over the desk now...I am a teacher after all, and will not allow that sort of behavior! *grin*

So in any case, this pic was taken when they held a big press conference to announce the name of the current era, Heisei, back in 1989, and what was originally written on the card this dude is holding up. Lovely, that's nice, but you're probably asking yourself, "Um...where the hell is he going with this?"

Well, in the last oh, 10 years or so, Japanese women appearing on TV and in print with obnoxiously large hooters have spread like wildfire. Not to be un-PC or anything, but in general, Japanese women do not historically pack much in the titty department. Either the dirty old men in power put something in the water or a spate of women are having boob jobs. Fairly decent boob jobs at that (not that I'd ever look at anything so salacious, mind you).

There's even a word for this onslaught of in your face mammary glands...kyonyuu, or "giant breasts". This is what's written on the picture, so it truly is the era of big tits in Japan! Long live big tits! Huzzah!

Um...ok. That was just entirely too long and probably way not interesting or funny. I just really wanted to see how many different words I could use instead of "titties". I need help and I realize it, thank you very much.

ANYHOO...so I've used this picture as my avatar on a bunch o' different sites for ages, but my wife doesn't always appreciate my brand of immature, sophomoric and decidedly non-PC humor. On one of the sites where we both have accounts, she finally got fed up with seeing this pic everytime she logged in, and I got an earful, so in the spirit of trying to maintain marital bliss, I did what any self-respecting husband would do...I caved-in like a 100 year old mine in an earthquake and changed it.

Rest in piece, Big Tits...we never knew ya, buddy. ;)

May your successor, "Tsutomu, the Slack-Jawed Japanese Yokel" do what you never could.

Nothing says quality like underwear in a ziploc bag

This past weekend was nice, but way too short. M & I saw Marie Antoinette & spent entirely too much money on some sorta weird pachinko-esqe Monopoly game Saturday night, with a stop over at a beef bowl place on the way home. Sunday saw us head to UniQlo (the Japanese equivalent of Old Navy), Yoshinoya for more beef bowls, donuts and grocery shopping.

Yes, I've been on a bit of a beef bowl kick lately, and besides, they're finally serving that holiest of holies, wonderful, scrumptious, mad cow disease ridden American beef! Oh thank you God for what I have partaken of. For those of you who've been under a rock or just on the other side of the pond for the last few years, there was a ban on American beef in Japan from 2001 until sometime last year due to the finding of a cow w/ BSE on US soil a few years back. Now keep in mind the following:

a) There's been over 20 instances of mad cow disease in Japan in the mean time (mainly here in Hokkaido) and people are still tripping over themselves to eat ridiculously expensive Japanese beef.
b) Nasty ass, tough, dry Aussie beef flooded the market in the meanwhile. Safe? Maybe. Tasty? Are you kidding me?

I grew up on a ranch, raised and ate my own calf (damn Zuki was tasty!) and know that BSE testing in the states is dodgy at best, but baby, oh baby was I happy to indulge in a little USDA Grade D (suitable for cafeterias & prisons, mind you!) ;)

Anyhoo, where was we...ah yeah, the title of this post. So while we were at UniQlo, I picked up a few...let's just call 'em...male delicates. Yes, I do believe I bought the male equivalent of lingerie. Now before you do a collective, "huh?" lemme explain.

See, living here in the tundra, it gets more than a tit nipply during the winter, so long johns, or as we like to call 'em, "jiji pants" are unfortunately sortuva must. The neat thing is that UniQlo has this really cool body compression/"under armor" -esqe long underwear series that doesn't make me look entirely like a 50 something Japanese retiree and keeps me nice & toasty when I go boarding. Score! They even come individually wrapped in ziploc bags! How cool is that, huh? Even the underwear in Japan is high tech! ;)

And wearing these things? Let's just say that if you can get your hands on some UniQlo "Body Tech" undies, you'll be a) extremely warm and b) slightly confused. Why, dear reader, would one be slightly confused over a long sleeve undershirt? Well, they've got some sort of compression strap thingamajig sewn into the back that automatically pops your chest out. If you ever wanted to know what a cross your heart bra feels like, guys, here's your chance. "Look at my many bulging chest! I'm a manly man!"

The only bad thing about my new skivvies is that they are skin-fucking-tight. In the Hillbilly household, this is not a good thing, as they reveal the location of certain useless male chest nubbies in obscene detail to a certain person (let's call her my wife) who has a fetish for poking said useless male chest nubbies when I least expect it. Ah, but that's a story for another day...

I know just enough to be dangerous

Ok, so in addition to a) having entirely too much time on my hands today and b) giving out the address to this site all willy nilly across the Internet, I thought it'd be just a swell idea to link my Mixi (Japanese equivalent of MySpace...but better...and in Japanese...and it doesn't suck) account here. Maybe an oops is in order? Better get to editing old posts...

Anyhoo, if you see what appears to be a bunch of garbage characters, pay no mind, 'cause it's probably (hopefully) just a post in Japanese.

日本語を書きたいの皆さんへ、

このブログはバイリンガル（英・和）だから日本語のコメントをどうぞう。遠慮しないで。本当に。日本語が読めない人はちょっとかわいそうけどしょうがないっすね。

Me, Part II

Ok, so continuing w/ yesterdays self-intro, if for no other reason than to entertain myself on an otherwise boring day in the office and maybe one day be able to Google myself...

Things That Make Me Happy: Open source software, non-DRM'd media, good porn, My Dilbert desk calendar, my coozie turned pen holder from my brother-in-law that says, "A quaint little drinking village with a fishing problem. ISLAMORADA" (boy, that was a fun one to explain in Japanese to coworkers), the sound of kids laughing, q-tips (yes, I have an unhealthy obsession sticking things in my ears), snowboarding, the beginning of summer in Hokkaido, salt & vinegar Pringles, import food shops.

Things That Make Me Sad: Proprietary bullshit software, DRM, bad porn, Having 6 classes of munchkins in a single day followed by a 2 hour baseball practice, fighting w/ my wife, slack jawed Japanese idiots who point at me with eyes as big as quarters and yell, "FOREIGNER!!!!!!"

My Weird Quirks:

1) I hate spiders & flour with a passion. Some might do a cartoon-like double take "does not compute" on this one, but lemme try to explain. First off, spiders may be beneficial, in that they eat other bugs & whatnot, but why must they decide to come into my house? On top of that, the spiders in Hokkaido tend to grow into these evil gigantic monstrosities the size of rats that look like they could easily devour small animals, children & little old ladies. I literally feel like puking whenever I happen to find one. Secondly, flour. I have no idea what dark seeded childhood memory this stems from, but flour is just...wrong. Ya know how some people can't stand the thought of finger nails on a chalkboard (not me, BTW, I could do that all day long, even though some people reading this may be cringing right now)? Well, for me, that's flour, in all of its forms. Even the thought of flour gives me goose bumps. *shudder* Yes, that goes for powdered sugar, corn starch, chalk (kinda sux to be me, seeing that I ended up as an English teacher, huh?) and any other powdery substance, too. The thing that really bites the big one is that since Hokkaido is so cold in the winter, the only kind of snow we get is the really fluffy, powdery kind. Great for boarding, but ya know what that stuff sounds and feels like when walking on it? Fucking flour.

2) I'm a weather junkie. Seriously, I check the weather forecast on my phone like 20 times a day. Why, other than the fact that I probably have OCD? Will the weather forecast really change in the 5 minutes since I last checked it? Hey, it could happen! Maybe it's just that I got used to checking the radar last summer when I prayed every day that it'd rain so baseball practice would have to be canceled. Yes, I have issues.

3) Not so much a quirky thing, but somewhat related to 2) and as mentioned in one o' my posts from last year is that I help coach little league baseball to 2nd & 3rd graders here in town. I played baseball as a kid from the time I was 5 until high school, so like the dork I am, I figured, "Hey, that'd be a fun way to get involved in my community!" Now, you have to realize that baseball in Japan is sorta like the evil twin of baseball in the US. There's a really great book by a guy named Robert Whiting called You Gotta Have Wa that explains it better than I ever could (and in convenient book form, even!), but in essence, baseball, and sport in Japan in general is the modern day evolution of bushido, or "samurai spirit". Boys of summer? HA! No, Japanese kids practice the whole live long year round, baby! The guy I coach with is a bit of a nutter, but at least he's better than a lot of Japanese coaches, who, in an attempt to create "fighting spirit" don't let their players drink water during 8 hour daily practices in the middle of summer or make their pitchers throw 300 pitches a day until their arms fall off. This is what we in the real world tend to refer to as "a crock of bullshit" that only wears kids out mentally & physically by the time they hit high school. No, I'm not bitter! Argh. Think I may have to table this topic for a "Things I Hate/Love About Japan" post as it's only serving to piss me off right now. My appologies, er apollogies...um, apologies. Why the hell can I never spell that word right? See what Japanese baseball has done to me?

4) I can never seem to keep up a blog for more than a few weeks. I've tried it both in English & Japanese and it never seems to work out very well. I even have an account on Mixi, a sorta Japanese MySpace (with much nicer layouts...and BTW, why does every single MySpace page that I've ever laid eyes on look like it was coded by a crack addled chimp?) that my wife got me hooked on, but wouldn't ya know it, after 3 months, I was burnt out, dude. This whole re-emergence o' bloggery after a 6-month hiatus makes me feel like I'm some mullet-headed redneck telling his girlfriend, "C'mawn baby, gimme 'nother chance. Ah prawmis ah won't hit ya no mowr." Who knows? Maybe now that winter's finally got around to making Hokkaido it's bitch again I'll be able to keep it up for a while until the snow finally begins to thaw in July or so...

Ok, guess that's it my little exploration into online narcissistic self-gratification for now. Too many other things going on in my head right now that I just simply must write/read/blather on about.

Time for the twice a year posting...

Ok, so I may have made a little teensie weensie mistake in posting the addy o' this little read and even less updated page. See, just by total dumb luck, I found a really cool blog by some Auzzie chick named The Hot Librarian. Long story as to how I found it (more on that later), but in anycase, she's totally off her tits and laugh out loud, snorting-milk-through-nose funny with the kind of dirty minded, sophomoric humor that I thoroughly enjoy, so I thought it'd just be a grand idea to leave a little comment on one of her posts...with the address for this page. Oops.

Even though I seriously doubt that anybody would be so inclined to visit my acre & a half of the virtual equivalent of 20 miles off Al Gore's Info Superhighway in the middle of Wyoming, I feel like I have to clean house like a madman, as you know...I can't let people see how I really live, afterall...

Seeing as I live in BFE Hokkaido, Japan, and seeing as I haven't written a post in like, oh, half a year or so (me & keeping up a regular blog, either in Japanese or English seem to not get along), and seeing as there might be people that take a wrong turn off the expressway and end up lost here (HA! yeah, right), and in the grand tradition of the Japanese self-introduction, and in the grand tradition of using entirely too many "ands" and (Hey! There's another one!) run-on sentences, here's a little bit about me, dear unwitting layer on of eyes of my prose:

Name: Hokkaido Hillbilly. No, I'm not an actual slack jawed yokel, and no, I'm not from Arkansas or have horribly bad buck teeth, but yes, I do live in the great white Northern tundra o' Japan and yes, I am from a southern state that rhymes with "Ennessee."

Age: 31 & change. I refuse to be labeled w/ the moniker of "middle aged" until I'm 40, & besides, I do way too many dumb things to be thought of as an adult. As you might gleam from the "About Me" blurb to the upper right, I'm a Pisces (and no, I DO NOT enjoy long walks on the beach...the beaches in Hokkaido are toxic waste hell holes and that shit is a bitch to walk on), born in the year of the rabbit (i.e. I have stupid, dumb luck like you wouldn't believe), and even though none of you have a clue who she is, according to Kazuko Hosogi (my wife's favorite astrologer, i.e. I watch her on TV, too) I'm an "Emperor (-)"...whatever that means.

Marital Status: As noted above, happily married to a wonderful, if somewhat quirky Japanese woman from Sapporo for the past 2 1/2 years. Sorry girls, I know you're all bummed out now. Yes, that's sarcasm talking. I'm so lucky to be married to this woman that it's ridiculous (especially seeing as I had a bad case of fear-of-commitment-itis during the 4 years we dated). I'm nowhere near Hunchback o' Notre Dame status, but I am one o' those "how the hell did he end up w/ her?" kinda guys, so I'm a pretty happy bunny...when she doesn't beat me *grin*

Job (1): Shougakkou Senzoku Eigo Shidoujyoshu. For all of you that don't speak furin' talk, that's just a fancy Japanese way of saying "Paid Dancing Monkey for small Japanese children", i.e. Elementary School English Teacher. I mainly teach at 3 elementary schools, with occasional stints at the town kindergarten (cuteness personified to the point where you just wanna puke) and Jr. high (which I somewhat dread going to. Was I really that much of a dork at that age? Wait...don't answer that question...) One school I teach at out in the boonies has 9 kids. Yeah, you read that right. Nine children in the entire school (would really like to use a certain NSFW word between "entire" and "school" that rhymes w/ "ducking" right now, but family members may be reading...my apologies). A 1st grader, a 2nd grader, two 3rd graders, two 4th graders, no 5th graders & three 6th graders. They show up barefoot in their cute little overalls & buck teeth and I larn 'em sum Anglish. No, seriously though, their great kids, and it's my favorite school to go to, even though it has no wireless Internet access. Kinda sucks big ol' donkey balls that the powers that be're gonna shut the place down & ship the kids to the big (350 ankle biters), new school in town. Sigh.

Job (2): Translator/Proofreader for a media company in Sapporo, but...shhhh ...don't tell anybody! It's sortuva no-no to moonlight according to my teaching gig contract, but then again, nobody that I work w/ here in town actually speaks English, so I guess I can blab it out as much as I want to here! Score!

Time in Japan: Way too damn long. I would think that almost 7 years would be enough to pay for my crimes to humanity by now. I wasn't always here in Crazy Demented Watermelon, Rice & Freaky Cave That Looks Like Mouldy Bread Town, mind you. I was in slowly, but ever so surely dying Glider & Cosmos Flower City for 2 years before that and We Like to Ride Sleighs & Whip Big Horses City as a translator/interpreter/"internationalizer o' the community" for 3 years before that. I really wish that I could live in Airplane & Shroom Town, if for no other reason than that they have a kick-ass town mascot. Then again, that town's only about a 10 minute drive from here, so maybe that's close enough.

What does this say about me? 1) Yes, I am a masochist. 2) I've been here almost as long as I was in college (the best 7 years o' my life for a double major and 2 minors!) 3) Is this some sorta pattern emerging here? 4) #'s 2 & 1 are probably related somehow.

*We interrupt this blog to bring you a public service announcement: Yes, I speak Japanese & can get myself into & out of trouble quite easily in said devil's tongue, but take a look at the "hobbies" part of the "All About Me" section. Although you'll find that I have quite an interest in females of the Asian persuasion (hey, I married one after all, although sadly not involved in porn), you'll notice nothing about manga or anime or any kind o' foolishness of the sort (as my Dad would say). Sazae-San is about as far as I go down that path, which is sad enough as it is. I am enough of a geek as it is with computers, video games and home theatre equipment. I do not need to "bring it up a notch" to the all out maid cafe and otaku level. If that's what you're into and Pikachu melts your butter, more power to ya brothers and/or sisters, but please don't ask me about it, for a) I could really give a rat's ass and b) um...see a). :)

Ok, now where were we...oh...Best. Movies. Evar: Blazing Saddles, Trainspotting, Tampopo, Lost In Translation (although if you've never been to/lived here in Happy Land, you probably won't get it), Osohshiki (The Funeral), Tonari no Tottoro (My Neighbor Tottoro in English. Stop laughing. Now. And no, I'm not gay and even though it's technically anime, it's a kick ass movie, so shut up).


Alright, all the time we have for now boys & girls. Translations from my double-secret probation part-time gig await, and as my sweet little southern grandma used to say, "They laws!" this has turned out one helluva long post. Stay tuned for more, where I'll regale you with more on life as a token white guy.

Boys be ambitious, onigiri be delicious,



HH ;)